Tales of the Vibrant Life

say adieu

2008-08-22T01:32:00.002-04:00

not really...
i am just relocating...
my blog.

not relocating me just yet (though Nashville is growing on me now that I've found Anthropologie and the Whole Foods Market)...

but for now, just for now, the blog is moving to a new address: http://mfayn.blogspot.com/.
I imported my old blog, so the same posts are still there...

Check it out!

Words for Today from Distant Yesteryears

2008-08-18T22:26:00.003-04:00

i am a lover of old things...especially old books. I love reading the different ways people have communicated through writing over the years. I love the old words, phrases, and mindsets that are discovered in old books. So...this week, I'm spending a few nights with a new friend that I have met here in Nashville on the Big Brothers Big Sisters staff. In the guest room, I immediately noticed an antique book shelf (the kind with the glass doors that you pull up and slide inside in order to open). On the top, my friend has a gigantic family Bible that weighs about as much as my suitcase...filled, it was printed in the late 1800's. It's a pictoral family Bible...absolutely fascinating, but also quite fragile. Inside the bookshelf, I noticed a few tiny books, small enough to fit in the palm of my hand. One is a friendship book - someone had a bunch of people write her notes, apparently at the end of school, sometime in the 1920's. Another tiny book caught my eye with its elaborate gold engraving on what used to be a white cover. It was titled "Advice to a Married Couple"...inside, in characteristic penmanship, was written, "Presented to Mrs. Charlotte .... on the morning of her marriage. February 20, 1868 by ....". I peeked inside this also fragile book and read some really beautiful thoughts that are so relevant...to today's society and concerns, to my own personal thoughts and desires, and to my own deep convictions about my work, society, and community. So, I share them with you...

"Smaller communities are the nurseries of larger ones. At a certain time of life a transplantation is made, and the larger field of society takes its character from those qualities which were brought into it from the little inclosures of family life. You are therefore not to consider yourselves merely as two friends who have agreed to share each other's trials or enjoyments; but as the founders of a little community of rational and immortal creatures, who may hereafter found other small communities, and from whom, in process of time, a multitude may spring. To this multitude, stationed here and there according to the allotments of divine Providence, you may give a cast of character, the influence of which may be matter of pleasure or of pain, both to themselves and those with whom they are connected, long after you have ceased to act in the present scene."

From The Christian Minister's Affectionate Advice to a Married Couple by Rev. James Bean, A.M.

401st Post

2008-08-16T02:18:00.001-04:00

this is post #401. i went through and counted...

a day off

2008-08-14T00:04:00.002-04:00

So, things went along more quickly than expected in Nashville this week, so I got to come home a day early. Since things have been going at a maddening pace lately, I decided that I would use part of today to rest.

The alarm went off about 8:30 am or so. It's NPR...a woman is reporting a story about the rising number of mothers in prison. She goes on to highlight a program where babies get to live with their moms at a prison, i believe, in Ohio.

I just couldn't believe it. On my day off, that is the story that is on when the alarm radio goes off. What am I to do...just lay there?! Why? I wondered. Was God trying to say something to me? Of all the topics in the world being covered on public radio this morning, why was that the story that was on to jolt my brain awake this morning? I truly feel now that I cannot get away from this topic and this work, even if I want to!

At the same time, I am working a lot...and what else can I do? There is a lot to do, but I know that I can't take on much more until I finish what's already on my plate. I do wish for other people that would like to come along and get involved in whichever way fits them best. It could be offering Financial Peace to inmates or just released offenders. It could be helping provide a re-entry program for men or for moms. It could be helping provide Celebrate Recovery to juveniles involved with the Juvenile Justice system. It could be visiting with the families inside the prison...mentoring a child with a parent in prison...or providing art lessons to a child affected by incarceration. There's so much to do...for so many of us who have different talents and different passions. Yet, I can't make this happen. I'm trying to finish my dissertation...and trying to figure out what to do with that!!! So, I wonder what will happen...if others will come along to help...or if these people will continue to struggle alone. Not that no one is doing anything...in this work, I've come across so many generous, compassionate people that are doing what they can to help. Yet, I write what I've written because there's so much more to be done. There are still many that are without advocates and without help.

I really think we're all links in the chain of life. We all have to pull our weight and bear the strain of the purpose of our lives which will, in turn, contribute to the order and survival of civilization. In areas where we see break-down and chaos, i often wonder if it isn't partly due to our failure to do our part.

Just some things to consider. and i hope you all are inspired to action.

from the 3rd floor looking out on the city...

2008-08-09T00:36:00.005-04:00

what a crazy, crazy week...past few weeks. i'm so tired, but content as well. i feel like i've gotten to know Nashville quite well...all the highways and the byways. but, as i was driving through town to my hotel which is downtown...i realized that i know more about the project areas than i do the social scene. but the idea of walking around downtown alone at night was unappealing. so, i'm enjoying my night in the hotel, alone. it's a nicer hotel than earlier this week, so i'm able to take easy here a little more. i'm not bracing for a roach or anything like that!

so, i'm wanting to write a chit-chatty blog...absolutely boring. let's just hit the highlights.

i'm checking out the JCrew wedding attire...for ideas of a gown for Katherine's wedding. it's quite exciting to be in a wedding of someone who wants to make gowns for a living...so, she's wanting to make our bridesmaids dresses - we can pick any shade of green, and we can pick the style. i'm so excited that she wants to do a kind of Audrey Hepburnish/Jackie'O look for me. i'm just so excited to get a dress made - it will be a treasure forever!

some ideas...

I like the full skirt of this dress. i have a skirt that has a hint of that fullness...but i get too self-conscious to wear it in Johnson City. I keep it in my closet...it's a great emerald green, cotton skirt. i really think it used to be an old camp uniform!

and these are two dresses from the current JCrew catalogue that i like. i'm not sure about the length, though, if i should keep it that length or go above the knee??? i'm also thinking about a high boat neck with a drop in the back...it ends up giving a fun, flapperish look.

and...dissertation update...my sample is possibly 50% recruited...the final numbers will be in tomorrow. Still...50% isn't quite enough. so, yes, i cannot believe it, i will be driving back to Nashville next week! i knew this project wasn't going to be easy, but i didn't anticipate 4 straight weeks in nashville. i should get an apartment!

ugh, midnight. time for sleep. tomorrow...i'll be in the sam levy projects handing out more backpacks! hope to see some of you again soon...perhaps this weekend. otherwise...man, i am loving not being in johnson city! isn't life crazy?!

CST

2008-08-04T23:17:00.005-04:00

back in nashville and camping out at a hotel in the metrocenter area. it's not bad. it's my first hotel stay alone. again, not bad.

well, once again, i wanted to give an update, but i'm exhausted. let's just hit the highlights:

- wonderful time with family at Aunt Mary's - seeing Jennifer and Michelle was the best! i'm amazed at all the little children running around! it was also good to spend time at home with my fam!

- 33% of my sample has responded...not bad for this population. but more work needs to be done! i've really enjoyed calling just about everyone in the projects of Nashville and touching base about this study. it's like a whole 'nother world!

- 3 events are lined up for giving out backpacks to kids this weekend - my car is sagging to the ground with all the bookbags and school supplied ready to be stuff and handed out. i'm most concerned about 1. having enough kids come and 2. having volunteers and 3. finding a place to stuff the backpacks.

- i am not sure why i even am interested in having a boyfriend, when trying to relate to guys just seems to be so difficult.

- i feel like i need help with my dissertation. it's a bigger deal than some people's dissertation, but still i feel the pressure to do it all myself. but, i can't...but i don't know who in Nashville to ask for help. i don't have enough organization or leverage.

- and i feel sad that i haven't gotten to see Melissa and Craig's boys yet. i'm sure they are the best!

there you have it. exhausted.

another update, interrupted

2008-07-28T23:49:00.002-04:00

i'd like to give you all another update, but it's raining and i want to go to sleep to the sound of rain pattering on my window.

an update

2008-07-16T23:16:00.000-04:00

after jotting this quickly, i look forward to a restful night of sleep. today was a big day!

around 4 pm, I got a call from my DOC friend Richard who had someone in his office for me to chat with on the phone. The director of the Tennessee area for Prison Fellowship was on the other end. She was very willing to help supply me with volunteers and a photographer for my dissertation events. wow! it is so exciting to be partnered with Prison Fellowship for my dissertation! what an fantastic phone call.

i got off and, out of habit, checked my email. My contact from IRB had written back...my project was approved unconditionally! i was screaming, laughing outloud, yes, in my house, alone. i was so excited.

perhaps an hour later, i got an email (i do love my blackberry) as I sat waiting at Sushi Blues with Melissa and Craig, who were up for eating sushi and "celebrating" this step forward in this tedious dissertation process. my 200 backpacks from Office Depot have been shipped to Nashville and are ready for delivery! my incentives are ready to go!

So, i am still amazed how things just poured into place today...why do things happen this way, i do not understand. but, i am thankful. i am so thankful.

now, i can't wait to begin!

the 10 things on my mind in a moment

2008-07-15T23:51:00.000-04:00

i am...

.1 waiting to figure out how to import this blog into another...so i can finally give karen the blog URL that is rightfully hers.

.2 thinking you should definitely check out the pics on Karen's latest blog...she is such an amazing photographer! http://vibrantlight.blogspot.com/2008/07/day-away-from-camp.html

.3 hoping something progresses with IRB concerning the dissertation.

.4 looking forward to a very good sleep tonite since the body is still achy from last night's run!

.5 excited for Katherine and really am enjoying going over her wedding planning thus far!

.6 liking the layout of Blogger in draft.

.7 wondering about mom's news today that my brother is talking of a wedding for next year. whoa...whew.

.8 praying for safety and good things for my sister and precious little nephew zandie.

.9 thankful today's meetings with the banks for Families Free went so well.

.10 wondering....how soon i may be able to afford a return to the Westglow Spa...or i could settle for this...

a moment of clarity

2008-07-11T22:39:00.004-04:00

puzzles coming together, jagged edges finally finding their piece. the first question at the beginning quieted by the answer at the end...an unexpected progression. we think God isn't listening, that he hears not our prayers. i'm continually amazed when i am given the grace to understand a way that he has worked in my life.

i told karen that i somehow came to the conclusion last week or so that Jesus is the only one who cares for me the way i want someone to care for me. i say this gingerly, with the carefulness of a wounded one. It's an obvious statement; it is a truth not easily learned. i learned it in the face of doubt and unbelief. i learned it while questioning whether God really cared about me and what i do. i learned it by testing ways of life i never dared to try. i learned it through saying that my current relationship with him was no longer enough. my present understanding could not withstand the weight of time...the progression of life. i must know him more and better, or discover him to be a fake.

it was a difficult time. i felt that my heart was either going to fall out of my chest or stop beating altogether. tears, uncontrollable, falling all the time. yet, going back was not an option. i could not go back to the way i was....the way we were...there had to be more.

i do not understand how to reach the end of a trial or a difficult time of transformation. i do try my hardest to reach this place as soon as i can. yet, it comes between periods of wondering how easily and callously God seems to slay us...and a moment of quiet, consuming surrender. not an "i surrender all" emotional-high moment...a wordless giving of self, heaving it up and away to God for him to simply do as he wishes - quick tears rush, fall, and disappear with the pain of the last tearing away.

and then comes the understanding. the learning of doctrine and wisdom. knowledge of self and what really happened becomes clear - God's righteous and loving role clarified. the questions and doubt, unbelief are blown away with his presence. i finally understand where i am...why...and even some of what God is speaking to my heart. and i no longer call him Master.

fav pics of the week

2008-07-02T23:06:00.008-04:00

mom & dad on their 30th anniversary trip to Alaska! mom's swallowed in the clothing...and i hardly recognized dad in all the layers!! looks like they're having fun. i love them!

happy to report that mom survived the polar bear attack! after 6 kids, i think she can handle anything! ;)

i think mom took this pic from the plane - fabulous!

and of course, i can't resist posting a Zandie pic! here, he's lovin' his mom!

desert camping.

2008-07-01T00:48:00.005-04:00

In this journey we call life, there are all kinds of questions we will ponder and mysterious events we will yearn to understand. dichotomies, to the point of seeming to be contradictions... the A versus the B...yet we seem to need a delicate balance of both. Those of us caught in the middle, i believe, sit together and muse, wonder, question, listen...perplexed, we just want to get things right and not waste time chasing futile ideologies.

i'm grateful for the people God has put in my life that are faithfully walking the road of questions with me. i have embarked from my safe childhood and begun this perplexing pursuit of truth and fulfillment chasing this Jesus, this God, Jehovah, Lord of the universe. Holy and humble. Omniscient and questioning. To love and fear (yet there is no fear in love!?). Provider and pruner. Master and servant. OT and NT. Beginning and end. I've begun to sense the assurance that i can realize the truth of my heart's condition - weak, faithless, and unbelieving. And, i can hardly believe that He continues with me...though i feel so completely that He has brought me to this place. I was following Him...chasing Him...seeking His will...here I am - more unsure than i ever was.

i don't like uncertainty. i don't like not being able to pin something, someone, some concept down and say "YOU'RE WRONG!!" perhaps they are or it is...but today, i'm not sure that their wrongness won't play a greater part or even a greater good than for me to squelch them in attempt to appease my discomfort. Yet, what do i do with this discomfort? What do i do with this uneasy feeling I have...that something is not right and I know not how to make amends?

My good friend Lisa is one of those who lets me ask the questions and isn't afraid to walk along side...and wonder with me. And, she shared with me something she heard this weekend that brought some peace to my soul. That God led the Israelites into the desert...into the wilderness. And He led them out. I feel that i am in the wilderness...camping out majorly...i don't see civilization and haven't seen any for the past few months. a caravan or two have come along (and i think a crazy carnival has passed too). Yet, ultimately, i find myself alone...staring at long, vacant stretches of desert land. I find it beautiful, at times, and marvel at how I can see any beauty in such a barran, desolate place. I find life thriving and reproducing when i am still and focused enough to look for it. Water and food to sustain life are in the most unexpected places. the lonely howls and whistles of the hot winds over and through the dunes have become my company. silence is the friend that encourages my pensive thoughts. i am familiar with the landscape. i begin to love it. i notice its every alteration.

yet, i desire to leave the wilderness, to be in a place where all that i feel i lack is plenty. so, honestly...i try to figure it out. maybe it's the area, this region. maybe it's my church. maybe it's never ending school finally getting the absolute best of me. maybe it's that so many of my friends are either moving away or having families. maybe... perhaps... So, i try this...that...the pro and the con. kaput. swish. slam-dunk. nosedive. face plant. brick.

so i roll my favorite stump out to the front of my tent that faces the horizon. sit down...sink, rather, into a slump. the bright afternoon sun fades quickly into dusk. The raging orange ball in the sky sinks so low that i can stare at it. the shadows grow longer...my eyes are on fire and the landscape begins to glow. everything is beautiful. then the stars begin to twinkle...twirling to take their place in the shapes that adorn the sky. in such beauty, you cannot help but be at peace. the grandeur encompasses the greatness of your concerns. i am at rest and would stay motionless the whole night through. only the dampness of the evening settles...and the cool of the night chases me indoors.

curious.

2008-06-25T18:53:00.004-04:00

Rules: List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your summer.

Post these instructions in your blog along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they’re listening to.

1. Lament - Balmorhea (Rivers Arms)
{actually...i love all the songs on this album, particularly The Summer, The Winter, Greyish Tapering Ash, Baleen Morning, Context, Divisadero, Limmat, Theme No. 1, Windansea, San Solomon-reprise}

2. Detlef Schremph - Band of Horses (Cease to Begin)

4. No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses (Cease to Begin)

3. M79 - Vampire Weekend (Vampire Weekend)

4. Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend (Vampire Weekend)

5. Shelter - Ray LaMontagne (Trouble)

6. Woman King - Iron & Wine (Woman King - EP)

7. 0048/0729 - Olafur Arnalds (Arnalds: Eulogy for Evoluation)

Tag, you're it! i want to know what's playin' for you! Jules C., Karen!, Roomie, Megan L., Julie R., Kelly H., Mitzi

it's been a while...

2008-06-25T17:56:00.003-04:00

venting...

2008-06-20T00:28:00.003-04:00

guys, this dissertation is about to get the best of me. i am so frustrated by not being able to get the details together. i just need a little bit of help...like, $2,000 or $3,000 for incentives - piece of cake! impossible for me. it's so daunting that i feel afraid that i will not be able to do it. and then i won't graduate. and i won't get to move. and i won't ever meet a guy, get married, or have a family. suddenly, i go from not having incentives to....my whole life is falling apart before my eyes. being a girl!

but, i did enjoy seeing Princess Bride at the lake tonight with Erica and Ryan Griffin and the highschool kids there. and i'm so tickled that my gladiolas are blooming again (i did nothing for them!!!) and i get to see the blooms (last summer i was in Ukraine!). and i got a fabulous CD from Karen in the mail yesterday and today (Sam Amidon and Balmorhea).

so, i appreciate the sweet little things...and think perhaps a little sleep may be what i really need.

Sweet Sixteen

2008-06-18T23:24:00.005-04:00

happy 16th, Emily!

i look forward to having kids, one day, because of you.

i still remember the day you came home from the hospital...getting to hold you for the first time sitting on the edge of mom and dad's bed. you were soooo tiny. i was so proud that I had come up with your name "Emily Anne" and that mom and dad had really gone for it! (although i wanted to spell the "Anne" without an "e". mom wanted the "e"!)

i remember babysitting you long nights while mom and dad worked at the church...rocking you in the wooden rocking chair late at night. I finally learned to put on the "Sleep Sound in Jesus" tape when you wouldn't sleep...it always did the trick! i remember babysitting you one night when you had a high fever. i remember watching you so intently...you were breathing so shallow and quick...your skin hot to the touch. the night i accidently let you fall, mom was furious with me. i cried the whole evening...couldn't eat dinner. i remember distinctly the tears mixing in with the hamburger i tried to swallow.

i remember how you would sit at the table for hours because you didn't want to eat. you lived on cereal. cereal and sugar. you still would now, i believe! ;)

i remember throwing you around in the air, playing... you loved it! and parking you in front of the tv to watch The Sound of Music and the West Side Story those days Mama went to class in Boone. i remember when you were 2...and finally able to do things i asked. one day, when you were 2, you helped me water the flowers outside. i remember thinking that "terrible twos" didn't make any sense...you were so sweet! (it was "terrible threes" actually!) ;)

when Mama went back to teaching, you went down to Aunt Dot's during the day. she took you on so seriously - loved you so much. since she lost little Angelina during the wreck about the time you were born, it meant a lot to us. during that time, there was this unspoken understanding that you were a part of both families.

i remember wondering what kind of a personality you would have...what kind of a person you would be. you were always a little aloof...kind of a mystery. Now, that's a part of your personality.

i remember when you first visited me at college...down at Elon...particularly the day i came home from class and you were not in my dorm room! i remember your first visit up here in Johnson City. my classmates and professor still ask about you sometimes. You were so different then! you didn't care how you looked, you were an animal fanatic, and you wanted to be a vet. i remember the day the hamster you got from Jenni died...how sad you were. i remember putting the cloth i crocheted over the little guy and mom orchestrating a proper burial.

i can't remember the exact night, but a seemingly over-night change happened when you began to "grow up". In one night, it seemed, you put the pet rabbit in the basement, bought a sparkly pocket-book, and said you wanted to be an actress. it was hilarious that your area of expertise was "dying scenes".

i'm so proud of who you are today...and the young woman you're becoming. you've got the best personality - everyone in the family loves to hang around you. you've got compassion and a willingness to help others. you're tender toward children (i remember how much you love little Will!) and you are accepting of others despite their differences. you're easy-going enough to make everyone feel comfortable in their own skin. you're independent, yet you care about relationships. you're fun-loving, real with yourself and others, and willing to admit your own short-comings. i find these all to be such great characteristics. and i look forward to growing and moving forward together in this crazy time we call life.

i'm just so thankful that God allowed you to be my sister...my littliest sister (that is taller than me, for the record!) :)

love you more than i ever thought i could love anyone,

m~

that becomes you

2008-06-13T23:05:00.005-04:00

i think maybe the moment when we truly begin to grow and become who we really are is the moment when we stop saying, "i can do that." and begin saying, "i can do that?" and do it!

the things i dare to do because i now dream i could possibly do them are the things that make me so glad to be alive. no longer do i desire the arrogance and boredom from only sticking with the things in which i am sure to succeed. yet, sometimes we just need someone or something to prick our awareness and suggest to our feeble minds, that yes, you could do that.

kareoke at church...that's right, no alcohol involved!

2008-06-13T01:09:00.004-04:00

i don't know. it just does something to your psyche to see the whole pastoral staff of your church on a stage doing kareoke to "Lean on Me"...then, the elder board doing kareoke to James Taylor's You've Got a Friend! i'd yet to see my church be so goofy...and it was actually kind of comforting (obviously, certain personalities weren't there! old friends, you know who i mean, right?). but what leveled the whole night off was seeing this sweet, little, old Philippino lady up there singing her heart out! So cute, and so amusing! especially when she decided to LAY ON THE STAGE and sing. she either thought she was Marilyn Monroe for a moment...or someone seriously spiked her iced tea! i'm so going to be like that when i'm an old lady!

and that, my friends, was the highlight of my day.

the end.d\\

yello!

2008-06-09T22:12:00.007-04:00

HELLO WORLD OUT THERE!

everyday that i've journaled lately, i've ended my entries with "remember the big picture" or "remember the grand scheme". being in a small town...it's so easy to get sucked into this awful, depressing small town bubble which reeks of no diversity, limited culture, an assortment of cliques, no hopes of boyfriends, and the ever present feeling of trying to escape the label you have been assigned.

I always get so sad when i inadvertantly slip into the small town mindset. I may be too busy to check out CNN International and too poor to escape to Asheville. After a short lapse of time, i find myself thinking..."is this all there is?" i am really just going to be here for absolutely the rest of my life?

now, please hear me. this is the girl that couldn't wait to grow up so she could be out in the world facing new adventures. my mom would get her feelings so hurt. I never meant I wasn't happy with my family or my home, i just craved new experiences and new things and new people. and, so, even now. i love my work with Families Free - and with Lisa and the whole gang of folks helping us get that off the ground. i love my church. i love the friends that God has given me here that faithfully walk every day with me along this crazy journey. So, i never mean that i find them insufficient (except, let's be honest, the whole boyfriend thing is not sufficient). but! that's like, a whole blogsite of its own...let's call it...ohh... "Abstinance in the Country"? ;)

but, back to my current thought. i was so in the bubble...and so dying from it...and was really quite convinced that God did not care. i was immobilized inside by it. yet, i have to confess that i was proven very wrong. this past weekend, i was given an amazing time with one of my oldest and favoritest friends, Katherine. she and i went shopping at Shoppes on the Parkway (yea for the new JCrew!) and enjoyed this amazing, soul-changing hour-long facial at the WestGlow Spa. (I have not been able to bend my neck this far since college!) talk about changing my perspective. the small town bubble was burst! i recalled a world out there...people, culture, life. and even better, i felt apart of it. i know i was at the mercy of God's hand, yet instead of being exacting and demanding, He was gracious and gave beyond my imagination. what i begun to plan for myself inside the bubble, He burst...but then He gave me hope. Hope of a life and blessings of comfort and healing.

So, with my new perspective, i bought a new headband with a decidedly flapperish flair and wore it to church. (or, according to Katherine, it could worn for a hippyish, burn-the-bra look. i took the flapperish route for church.) for me, it was just my declaration of an acknowledgement of a world beyond the small town...that I am really quite a sojourner here. and making this declaration at church, i felt, was appropriate as 1) we really are just sojourners here and 2) i felt that God had orchestrated my arrival to this realization. One of my favorite girls there, Amy, then commented that i looked as if i was ready to change the world. and at that comment, i was then ready to...

ssssiiiiiiinnnnnggggaahh hhahhaaghkkk!!! ohh!

places to go...

2008-06-05T23:13:00.003-04:00

I do love Travel and Leisure magazine!

Psalm 33

2008-06-03T12:18:00.004-04:00

listening to this being sung in Russian...it's amazing how your soul will respond to the truth even when your ears cannot comprehend. And, here are the words to comprehend.

Rejoice in the LORD, O you righteous!
For praise from the upright is beautiful.
Praise the LORD with the harp;
Make melody to Him with an instrument of ten strings.
Sing to Him a new song;
Play skillfully with a shout of joy.

For the word of the LORD is right,
And all His work is done in truth.
He loves righteousness and justice;
The earth is full of the goodness of the LORD.

By the word of the LORD the heavens were made,
And all the host of them by the breath of His mouth.
He gathers the waters of the sea together as a heap;
He lays up the deep in storehouses.

Let all the earth fear the LORD;
Let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of Him.
For He spoke, and it was done;
He commanded, and it stood fast.

The LORD brings the counsel of the nations to nothing;
He makes the plans of the peoples of no effect.
The counsel of the LORD stands forever,
The plans of His heart to all generations.
Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD,
The people He has chosen as His own inheritance.

The LORD looks from heaven;
He sees all the sons of men.
From the place of His dwelling He looks
On all the inhabitants of the earth;
He fashions their hearts individually;
He considers all their works.

No king is saved by the multitude of an army;
A mighty man is not delivered by great strength.
A horse is a vain hope for safety;
Neither shall it deliver any by its great strength.

Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope in His mercy,
To deliver their soul from death,
And to keep them alive in famine.

Our soul waits for the LORD;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart shall rejoice in Him,
Because we have trusted in His holy name.
Let Your mercy, O LORD, be upon us,
Just as we hope in You.

I am listening to Selected Chants of the Russian Orthodox Church - Monks Choir of Kiev Pechersk Monastery.

personal responsibility

2008-06-02T13:15:00.005-04:00

so, this is not a political spill...although it may begin to sound like one. but read thoroughly and don't jump to conclusions.

but i was listening to Obama giving a talk on CNN while i was sitting and working on Families Free projects at home today. He starts railing about how millions of Americans don't have health insurance...yes, i'm one of them...and his implication is that the government, under his command, would provide that health insurance.

sounds good, eh? he goes on to talk about several other things the American citizen "deserves"...while never stating how those things are going to be provided...it's implied. he needs to clarify just how much that's going to cost the American citizen before we stand up cheering. that's going to cost a whole lot more money than we have!

but, i'm one of those without health insurance. A plan through a regular HMO or such would absolutely break me. i'm way below the poverty line! but, have i really investigated health insurance options? Have I really tried to get health insurance? the answer...no. i'm a lazy American...counting on good health and betting my klutziness/stupidity won't put me in the hospital. I've thought about a HSA - health savings account. I've thought about the Christian health care plans. But, I've taken no steps to ensure healthcare coverage.

While it'd be convenient for the government to just hand me some health insurance, i could be a more responsible citizen and do what I can to get my own insurance without the help of the government. and i'd be living my beliefs...not just preaching them.

So, i'm investigating Christian Healthcare Ministries which embodies what i believe that the church can and should step in and work together to provide for needs instead of depending on the government to do so. and I'm excited to be moving forward in this area...instead of allowing that worry to persist in the back of my mind.

We can change...and it doesn't have to take the government or a presidential candidate to facilitate that!

waiting on an appointment...

2008-06-02T11:16:00.003-04:00

soo, i'm interested in going to see Sex in the City. it's a movie. It looks fun..."thirty, flirty, and thriving"... but i'm not sure. my life's more like Abstinance in the Country. yeah, it's a basically a nightmare.

;)

a playhouse and sour apples

2008-05-29T01:09:00.005-04:00

my lifelong friend (and the only friend i can call that) Julie D., now C., and I were reminiscing this evening. We were thinking back to when we were 4, 5, 6. boy, my memory that far back is hazy! but, we were able to recall a few things.

Our conversation sparked a memory of how much i loved playing in a certain little playhouse around that age. it was in the back yard of an older woman named "Mrs. Alexander" who went to our church. she was strict, yet, very invested in us children. i remember one day she was leading us in exercises at school in the "old" building in Lenoir, NC. Now, i would realize that a person is out of shape if they're breathing that hard, but then I was just awed into exercising harder. i did aim to please.

but, anyhow, Mrs. Alexander had a fascinating playhouse in her backyard. I remember being mesmerized. it was just the perfect size! and there were dishes and everything! i loved cleaning it and straightening everything up...although it was already in order. i remember one day, though, almost getting in trouble for getting too carried away in "mopping"...i.e., flooding the playhouse. i was also enchanted by being able to run around to the sour apple tree and pick a few apples to take back to the house "for dinner".

little did i know there were seeds of loving Martha Stewart magazines being planted just then. and recalling this just helps me to be okay with my own present desires of having my own, now truly life-sized little house...to arrange dishes in and mop (hopefully, not to flood!). it's a desire that's been there...all along.

2008-05-23T18:09:00.000-04:00

yup!

2008-05-21T23:25:00.005-04:00

it is not a must to know everything. we mustn't have everything figured out. yet, it could be helpful to know some things.

sometimes it's hard to see things if we don't know what we're looking for. sometimes we forget how to deal...and end up struggling in vain. so, it could be helpful for us to know ourselves a little bit.

lately, i've had two things on my mind. oh, much more than that, i assure you, but i will spare you. only the two.

a group of girls assembled at my house tonight to watch the last American Idol of the season. our beloved, so amazingly hot rocker guy favorite David Cook won. uh huh.

well, except Flash was disappointed and Shauna didn't care. anyhow, afterward, we sat chatting and the news weather update came on. The record low for tonight was 37 degrees in 2002. immediately, i'm remembering that i was somewhere in North Carolina that night in 2002. and in going around the room, we discover...Kim was in Michigan, Shauna was in Pennsylvania, Flashley was in Kentucky, and Amanda was in Virginia. Yet, tonight, six whole years later, there we sat in a room together screaming about American Idol together. it was just amazing to me.

and secondly...

i've been unconsciously, but obviously now consciously, pondering the importance of knowing the things that have had a profound influence on you over the years. what songs have awoken your soul? what movies have shaped your perspective? what books have motivated you to action? knowing these things is not only fun, but could help us know ourselves better.

I know that i have avoided recognizing these things, because i thought that acknowledging their influence showed evidence of my weaknesses. the song that first made me ponder being in love...i wanted to avoid because i wasn't sure i would ever experience that love. so...i kept it safe. i openly loved the things that gave no evidence of my true desires. i would simply harbor the truth in my soul and in the deeper recesses of my heart.

yet, God would not have me live such a miserable and masked life. He knows that keeping those things tucked away would warp them and turn them into poison. so, He's opening doors and inviting me to recognize the truths of who i am and what makes me alive. He's teaching me to see how He made me and how He's redeemed me. I'm re-learning some things and learning for the first time how to accept and enjoy some of the ways I am made...and some of the desires i have carried for all these years. that aren't wrong. that are redeemed. than can be filled by Him. that can be good.

i survived today

2008-05-19T23:25:00.010-04:00

...and yes, i wasn't too certain i would.

Starting a non-profit and working on a dissertation means that I don't have the normal social circles that many folks have. I don't "go" to work anywhere. There is just a ton of it to do...in whatever location is most conducive for working that day. So...I don't have the normal clock-in/clock-out, mundane corporate job. and i love this...it's such a match with my personality. Yet, this also means that I don't have co-workers...boss...etc. and, i do miss the comradery that comes from having folks that you interact with day-in and day-out. I find myself really lonely at the end of the day sometimes. So...i appreciate seeing folks i know during the day, and getting phone calls, because otherwise, i just might not speak with or see anyone.

Over the past couple weeks, since classes finished, i have gotten to spend more time than usual just hanging out with folks: game nights (always hilarious). movie nights. fire-pit nights (my favorite!). These have been such fantastic times after this last grueling semester. I feel that i finally reconnected with myself. I noted that today as i walked up the stairs to Lamb Hall where my department resides. Normally, walking up those stairs, i feel a blanket of stress fall over me. it's the weight of expectations, necessity of success, advancement, and this unspoken requirement of dedicating your entire life to study and academic achievement. Yet, today, i felt...like me. I simply nodded my head to expected successes and educational requirements, while walking with the knowledge of who i really am and who i hope to be. I attribute this to these past few weeks of getting "away" and reconnecting with society, friends, my neighbors, roommates, myself, and God.

i do dread re-entering the process of continuing to write on my dissertation. As Billy Joel (according to Bobby) once said, "the rock and roll hall of fame can't hug you back". I absolutely know what he means - my dissertation cannot hug me back. my computer is quite uncomfortable to embrace. So, i just pray that God will continue to help me maintain a balance...to provide all that i need - mentally, physically, socially, and spriritually.

and, through it all, i am so grateful from the deepest places of my heart, to be doing the work i have been given...and working with the children and families i have been called to for this time.

We must know that we have been created for greater things, not just to be a number in the world, not just to go for diplomas and degrees, this work and that work. We have been created in order to love and to be loved." - Mother Teresa

family...

2008-05-18T23:16:00.003-04:00

my sweet brothers with my little nephew...
family is good.

a girl.

2008-05-15T13:47:00.005-04:00

in my ears...LaMontagne singing, "be here now".

in my eyes...friendly smiles of folks walking by, an overcast sky, green, my work

in my hands...a big cup of Americano, computer keys, freshly cut hair...feels so smooth

in my mouth...cranberries, Americano

in my nose...haha!!!! (i was going to cover all the senses!)

in my words...worries, laughter, gratitude, prayers

in my heart...continual resolve to be who i am, to love others, to love freely, to live fearlessly

Zander's First Piano Lesson...

2008-05-13T23:14:00.006-04:00

pretty sure...

2008-05-12T00:43:00.007-04:00

i am pretty much a screw-up. i mess things up all the time. i'm just amazed that some things are still working...some relationships are still functioning...some situations are still happening. So...since i am so famously messing things up...being a complete dork or loser about one thing or another, i have arrived at a certain peace. the idea came during a difficult time in my life a few years ago...and i'm not too big on really supernatural things anymore. but all through the night one night when i had made a big decision to be carried out the next day, a statement kept coming to my mind as i slept: you cannot lose the things God has for you.

During that time, i was focused on the "you cannot lose"; but, i've since realized that my peace lies in the "God has for you".

i'm tempted tonight to worry...to lose the peace i have from just resting in God's strong orchestrating abilities. i am tempted to intervene...to put forth effort in helping a situation...to meddle. but, i feel that to do so, i would mess up the natural progression, force the premature or risk losing altogether. there's a time for everything - even the things on my heart - and i am willing to give a little more time to ensure that all parties involved are ready, mature, willing, and poised to move into the things i hope will happen. i rest in the knowledge that God knows the desires of my heart. and He has great, great love.

and...if all else fails, this is sure to make you smile. what a cute little man he is!!!!

2008-05-09T00:05:00.000-04:00

Words from my amazing and wise mama!

2008-05-06T15:11:00.004-04:00

I may be violating publication rights, and if so...i'll remove this. but until then! just wanted to share with you a few words from my mom. She and Daddy are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary tomorrow. Congratulations, Mama and Daddy!! I love you both!

Anniversary pearls.
May and June, popular marriage months, give rise to many wedding anniversary events. Barring the unexpected, we will be among the celebrators on Wednesday as we commemorate a milestone in our marriage. Although it feels like admitting my age, I can proudly announce the knot we tied will be 30 years old.
I’m not going to lie, though. After all these years we are not rip roaring madly in love with each other. It’s better than that, kind of like comparing a flashflood down a creek to a big beautiful lake, maybe even an ocean. We’re simply amazed and grateful that by the grace of God we beat the odds and survived.
I read about the traditional anniversary gifts, gems, and colors for each year of marriage, all the way through the 75th celebration. The gift for the 30th is supposed to be of pearl. (I also learned that most of those listings came from the American National Retail Jeweler Association, no surprise.) Two suggested gifts are a pearl necklace and an engraved mother of pearl trinket box, neither of which appeals to me.
I am interested, however, in the pearl status for our anniversary, not that I want pearls. Pearls are born out of irritation. A little piece of grit inside an oyster’s shell irritates the tissue, which secretes a substance to coat the particle. After many coatings a pearl is formed; something very beautiful comes from the gritty aggravation. After 30 years of aggravations in marriage (from both parties), I’m glad to say we have some pearls. All the “scrapes” we went through, financial problems, mistakes, and personality quirks pushed us beyond our own selfishness. We also cultivated six pearls of children, more precious than any earthly thing to us. God has been gracious.
Talk of an ocean and oysters is appropriate for our special day. We spent our honeymoon at the Sandra Dee in Emerald Isle, pier-fishing part of the time. I caught more fish and can prove it with a Polaroid snapshot. Our kids laugh at our pictures, our seventies clothes and the Dodge Duster. In one pose my newlywed husband is clowning around, attempting to flex his muscles with a scowl on his face, to imitate the Marines sharing the beach with us. I look at those pictures of us, just kids, and think to myself, oh, how we knew nothing of what lay ahead.
Even now, we can only know where we’ve been; the future is still hidden from us. We have each other today and hope to make it to our golden anniversary, but we can’t assume anything. One of us could exit prematurely. That awareness makes me value the time we have.
If I had it to do over, “it” being the years we’ve spent together, I would give more to the relationship. Too much of my thoughts and energy was placed in things that do not matter in the long run. I would listen more carefully to God than to people and learn to say no to busyness. And not feel guilty.
It’s noteworthy the first miracle of Jesus took place at a marriage celebration. He turned the water into wine; he took the ordinary and made it extraordinary. Our marriage still needs that miracle today.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 states “a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” On Wednesday, the three of us will begin the next leg of this journey together, the third party being Jesus. I’m happy to still be in love and ready to catch the most fish again.

More Zandeliciousness!

2008-05-01T00:30:00.014-04:00

such a happy boy!

Yes, this toy absolutely hypnotizes him!

Starting to look like a Neal!

fabulous birthday weekend...

2008-04-28T22:42:00.004-04:00

i have wonderful friends and family. i am thankful for those that journey with me through the days-in and days-out...and those that stick by me despite the miles that keep us apart. It is bittersweet to realize how precious friendship is on the days that commemorate life milestones. the friendships that have become so dear over the years...and the ones that have faded. it is sweet to realize perhaps some have not faded so... I think this year was even more bittersweet as my family is in the midst of some great, but difficult transition. I am reminded of the birthdays past and how different things were then. but, i'm so thankful to be here..yes, even here...because it's where God has set me free from things of old and has taught me so much of who He is. the difficult things have been worth every struggle.

highlights of the weekend? seeing little Zander! Paul jumping and giving me a big hug when i walked in the door. seeing my grandmother with all her grand and great-grandchildren. sitting out at the firepit with friends. smores. having friends over. phone calls from friends out of state. facebook posts! perfect weather. being outdoors. amazing music by talented friends Chris and Todd. the late night dinner at Mid-City Grill with friends. and wishing an inmate happy birthday at the prison - it was his birthday too!

going nuts!!!

2008-04-24T12:46:00.000-04:00

this kid makes me crazy he's so cute!

(i'm sure he wants to come visit me for my birthday!) ;)

thanks for the buzz, skinny latte

2008-04-23T00:43:00.008-04:00

i've almost made it to bed twice now...but my mind is just whirring. caffeine after 8 pm. sucks getting old!

speaking of old...i will be another year older on Saturday. lots can happen between now and then, but in all likelihood, i will not be engaged. i always thought i'd be okay as long as i was engaged by the same age my mom was when she married my dad. she was 26. isn't that a crazy idea? but when i turned 26, i pretty much accepted that i wasn't going to be engaged or married by the time i was 27...i wasn't even sure i'd know who it would be since i've always wanted to marry a friend. the idea of a quick romance and engagement is terrifying...and so, it didn't happen. and i'm still pretty clueless.

yeah, clueless...

but, it's still been such a great week. So many things i do know to be true.

First of all, happiness is not in having a guy, it's being with people you love. i do want to marry and have a family...but one of the greatest reasons is because i want to experience that kind of love. it's not in having a guy. i have seen so many friends have "someone" and slowly discover that their hearts still ached for something more. that relationship required so much self-sacrifice. so, because of these things, i take this area of my life slowly. and i do not want to compromise. so, even when i find my belief severely lacking, i default back to God's faithfulness as i accept His will for my journey today and wait for the things to come.

speaking of..., wow, just look at what God has done. I was talking to my new friend Kristen H. on Sunday about this and was so greatly reminded of how God has done a great work since bringing me to TN. He has proven Himself to me time and again.

so, what's up for the 27th year? no clue! hopefully i'll be approved for graduation by this time next year. maybe i will have a clearer idea of my next step! i only hope for...more downtime with good friends, a greater ability to love others, and God's presence to remind me that i'm never alone.

any suggestions on things i should do during this year?

is that your final answer?

2008-04-15T20:33:00.001-04:00

PRICELESS! My nephew is so cute!

bang for your buck!

2008-04-11T10:38:00.003-04:00

okay, i have a hot deal for you! reading my blog has finally become good for your wallet!

So, you can get a fabulous deal on Microsoft Office 2007 if you're a student - have a school email address and can prove you're enrolled for "0.5 credit hours". This includes all the usual stuff - word, excel, powerpoint...and also, my personal fav: OneNote, publisher, access, groove (what is that?), outlook, and infopath...all for $59.95.

So, check it out - Microsoft Office Student Deal - the offer expires April 30th!

have you got it in you?

2008-04-10T23:12:00.010-04:00

this cracks me up. maybe it is because i have cracked!?!

it is going well...

life gets crazy, and it seems like the whole house wants to come down. but tonight, as i sit with the door open, feeling the warmth, watching an old movie on TCM, and working on my IRB recertification...i feel an amazing calm and comfort. Even though i can't control all the erratic variables in my life, there is someone who loves me so much and has these things under control. i feel hopeful about everything, even though i am certain about so little. even though i'm alone, i'm not lonely. i only hope tonight to begin acting more like...more like someone that knows the love of God...even if it is just a taste.

"For indeed, the kingdom of God is within you."

(Luke 17:21)

to marry a musician

2008-04-07T22:16:00.005-04:00

in listening to all this great music, i think how lovely it would be to marry a musician...like Ray. or like Josh Groban.... well, as long as he would let me walk down the aisle to one of Ray's songs. or maybe a first dance to one of Ray's songs....

i feel like i'm breaking one of my cardinal rules and i am. i don't like to post about marriage, etc. it's just asking for a rumor to get started! but...you know, i've heard and read in books that certain images of scantily clad women will suddenly pop into men's heads. this makes most women uncomfortable...suspicious...even heartbroken. yet, i think that the same thing happens to women, in a different way, which makes single guys equally uncomfortable and devastated. Sometimes, these sudden, random, un-asked-for images of weddings, marriage, and family life will pop into our heads. I am just driving along, and then i think, "ah, that would be a great song to walk down the aisle to". WHAT?! i was just thinking about the slugs in my flower garden, buying toilet paper at the grocery store, the rattle in my engine...from where did that thought come?!

but, it's reality. some girls i know are in vehement denial. aww, who needs boys? who wants to get married? but, i would rather not be in denial...i embrace my eveishness. it's a part of me and it's very real. now, i don't have things planned out. i don't have the ceremony planned with every detail decided, all the way down to the shoes the flower girl will wear. i hope that it's not all the fuss most weddings are. considering how untraditional the rest of my life has been, i can't imagine changing now!

and of course, i have been listening to Ray while writing this post...he he he.

oh ray!

2008-04-07T21:20:00.007-04:00

one good way i am benefitting from this dissertation work is that i'm getting into to a lot of really good music to keep me company as i write. as i drove home tonight, i was listening to one of my current favs...

(Ray LaMontagne)

i'm an onion...artichoke...head of lettuce

2008-04-04T23:50:00.012-04:00

i've been dying to read the Narnia Chronicles again. but, knowing how these books utterly seize my imagination, i have been denying myself. i read them a couple summers ago and literally walked around in a Narnian fog. it was a wonderful feeling, but i lost all ability to write. So, i can't lose that right now with all the technical writing going on.

So, my ears perked right up when Bobby said he was going to draw from one of the Narnia books last Sunday. He proceeded to tell the story of Eustace who was "cursed" as a dragon because of his greed. Bobby read the scene where Eustace is finally freed. Eustace tried to rid himself of the dragon suit, but was only able to peel off a few of the top layers. He was only freed once Aslan took his claw and reached deep into the many layers of the dragon suit. Aslan had to tear through the deeper layers in order to remove the suit from Eustace. Bobby related that the experience hurt, but in the end, it felt so good to be free.

As i listened, I winced to hear how Aslan had to claw through the deep layers in order to set Eustace free. I knew that this story could easily be about me. what i didn't know was how much this story really was about me.

It's been a rough few weeks. in addition to all the normal stresses, i have been struggling in relationships, dealing with a suprising emergence of hurt from my past, and getting absolutely nowhere on my dissertation with professors breathing down my neck. It was the most stress I'd been under in a long time. I tried to hide under the pillow at night, and sometimes that would help me fall asleep. but the main emotion arising from all of this was: anger.

I've never been an angry person...growing up, i was always "positive". i was actually afraid to be angry. So, as i felt myself responding to my circumstances in anger, i began to get nervous. But, there was really no other option. i was mad. mad at the hurt in my past. mad at certain people in my life. mad at the closed doors i was knocking myself against. mad at God for not helping me and allowing the craziness! even when i was smiling, inside, i was fuming. i felt awful. i knew the folks i was mad at could probably tell; yet, i couldn't think anything to calm myself down. I tried not to care - tried to distract myself with anything out of the ordinary. i talked to people, who cared and gave wonderful, sound advice. but, the bottom line was: i couldn't reason my way back to feeling okay and i desperately wanted to be pleasing to God.

God gave me two verses: You are my refuge. You are my portion. (referring to God). okay.

And, God used the story i heard Sunday to launch me into a thought process. i eventually began to realize that my present circumstances were all orchestrated to reveal a layer in me that had kept itself under the wraps quite well over the years: Angry Melissa. yikes! but even scarier was that Angry Melissa is not quite as easily placated as Sweet Melissa. nooo....where as a verse or a prayer or a few hours with God would have brought Sweet Melissa to terms with circumstances, that didn't quite cut it for Angry Melissa. i realized that the angry melissa in me required a deeper understanding of God and His character before she could move on. In the midst of these circumstances, my current level of faith and belief were insufficient. i would have grow in my faith, belief, and knowing of who God is in order to survive these situations...to grow...to move on. yet, i knew i was not able to muster this faith nor this belief. And, amazingly, therein came my peace.

it began with just a first peaceful day. i felt an unexplainable hope. a second peaceful day. i recognized that anger was still there, but i felt quieter inside. then, some great conversations happened to help me begin to address hurtful situations in my past. then, a wonderful door to getting my dissertation started opened. by that point, i was dancing with excitement inside. i felt free - soft and warm (as Eustace did). and yet, i was bewildered...what had i learned about God that enabled me to move forward? i felt that i passed the test without really knowing the answer. yet, as soon as i questioned, i knew. what more did i know of God? I now knew that God is the God of Angry Melissa. He is my portion. As He surfaced, began to deal with, and started to heal a very hurt, angry part of me, I began to know a deeper amount of His love for me. it's easy to believe He loves me when I think i'm doing right and deserving of the love. but, angry people were always the outcasts in my book...yet, He did not cast out nor forsake the angry melissa. He loved me.

i find it funny how He tells me He thinks i'm beautiful, and turns right around and allows me to see a not-so-glamorous side of myself. But, this shows how little i truly understand His ways. He tells me to love my enemies (this i'm learning quite well). He says - how am i any different than my enemies if i can only love my friends? even our enemies can love those who are in cahoots with them! Yet, i, a child of God, think that i have to merit His love - still! what do you think He is saying, "ya think?!?" or maybe He's just shrugging and shaking His head. oh well...i am a sheep.

utter waste of time?

2008-04-02T01:09:00.002-04:00

i'm noticing a wierd habit...

when i'm going really good on school work, things are finally clicking, words are coming...i find myself so easily distracted. tonight, it was awful. it's 1:10 am...and i've so little to show for it. but i discovered that i could import all my Blogger posts into Wordpress...and i've toyed with the idea of switching blogs for a while now. The wordpress templates seemed cooler...maybe. but i did like my URL better...

a few hours later, this is what i have (very different from this blog!): http://mfayn.wordpress.com/

like night and day, literally! but in all the insanity, i was just in the mood to change things up really good. i liked being able to post other pages, as well. but, it's not as flexible as Blogger in editing details, which are extremely important to me. i don't like fancy fonts...i like the really clean-cut ones. I don't like fonts that are too big either. Blogger lets me control these things; i haven't figured out how to do it on Wordpress.

But, take a look, and cast your vote! I don't plan to invest much more time into this random diversion of precious time! ahhhk!!

a little sarcasm to mix things up... hehe

2008-03-31T22:31:00.005-04:00

smeared windshields

2008-03-28T22:40:00.003-04:00

i drove home in a drizzle tonight...a bit off and on. the spray lifted off the roads by the other vehicles kept the windshield smeared, but not so obscure that I couldn't seen generally, nor did it keep my wipers from making the rubbing complaint as they swished back and forth.

as i looked out through the drizzle, i felt that i wasn't just looking out onto the road, but that was my view of life today. Today, my view was obscured by things that didn't completely block my view, but they kept me from seeing very far. tears, stress, concerns, ideas, hopes, desires, fears...they clouded my view and built an invisible weight which wrapped itself around my shoulders. but, when i'm afraid i cannot go any further, when i'm at my wits end, hope is always renewed.

that renewal was brought through my mom today. she helped me understand some things.

sometimes, for no immediately explainable reason, we are tried and tested through circumstances of fire. I have been recalling such a season in my life. I have read about a certain "spirit of fire" and have certainly seen God allow my life to be tested through fire in the past. After my master's program was completed a couple years ago, I came to a place of laying to rest an ambition I had worked literally my entire life toward. I surrendered that life course to accept whatever path God chose for me. It was the most painful experience i have yet endured. Yet, I have been amazed at His provision and the fulfillment that has brought me so much passion and joy through my current work.

But, in the struggle to complete even this work, i find myself fearful to be working so hard. I am afraid that, once again, i will see tremendous efforts and time invested come to nothing...a practical "giving up". I begin second-guessing every idea...and every goal...and every project. I find myself questioning God.

Mama suggested that my fear rising from my past experience was distorting my view and understanding of God. Just when I think i'm through a season of learning more about His character, I realize I've only just begun. And, just when i thought i had learned everything i could have from my past season of pain, i realize God has brought me back to this place...to face my nothingness so that He can fill it with His power and might. Mama was right. I was believing a lie about God's character and was living life accordingly. His thoughts are not our thoughts; His ways are not our ways.

I don't know how He will answer my prayers about these challenges I face. i cannot ensure that i will reach my desired end...which is very basic - essentially, a completed dissertation and graduation. i am in despair that i will be in school forever. or i fear that i will not finish this task and it will be an undone, unfinished part of my life. i still pray "help my unbelief".

yet, so often in His Word, God instructed the Israelites to look back on the things He had done for them and to draw strength, courage, and hope from remembering His actions on their behalf. I think perhaps i can do the same. Mama reminded me today that when i had laid to rest my hopes of medical school, and had simply begun to fill out job applications to be a drug rep, a tuition-paid doctorate program came with a simple phone call from an old professor. i had no plans of it...no idea how amazingly it would fit in with the work I had just begun in reaching out to children of prisoners. So, i can be confident that this is a work He has begun. Despite the season of loss He has allowed me to endure in the past, I do not have to live today in fear. "...how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" (Matt. 7:11).

"being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;" (Phil. 1:6)

proud moments as an aunt

2008-03-27T01:17:00.007-04:00

i know, two blogs about my little nephew in a row...you're groaning. How can you groan at such cuteness?!?!

Easter Sunday was Zander's first Easter. He didn't seem too impressed with the colored eggs. But, it was the day we heard his first laugh. Such a sweet, all-out cackle! He was laughing at his mom, of course!

And...i enjoyed the honor of introducing Zander to the piano and to some great classical music! He seemed intrigued by the sound coming from the piano...a fascinating experience.

Playing Chopin for Zander...

Pretty fascinating!

I think he's contemplating a swat at the keyboard!

so cute it's insane!

2008-03-20T09:14:00.005-04:00

Correct me if i'm wrong, and i'm pretty sure i'm not, but these pictures have got to be among the cutest in the entire universe!

Zander in his new crib, with the monkey!

Look! he's laughing and likes the Mr. Monkey!

And finally, here's one of my two favorite "babies" in the world! although...emily's not so much a baby anymore. she will be 16 this summer!!!

quietness

2008-03-17T22:06:00.005-04:00

lately, i've been focusing on quietness. not of environments or my surroundings, but, in my spirit...my mind and soul are rarely quiet. but, in the things that have been my life this year so far, i am stumbling upon the loveliness of a quiet spirit.

"Then they are glad because they are quiet; So He guides them to their desired haven."
(Ps. 107:30)

"For thus says the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: 'In returning and rest you shall be saved; In quietness and confidence shall be your strength.'" (Ps.30:15)

There is a lot to worry about. If you have no family, no work, no bills, or no school...you can at least worry about global warming. Being worrisome and stressed is culturally acceptable, too, in these United States. So! there's no shortage of reasons to worry and you just might be more cool for it!

but, i am finding that in worrying and stressing and striving, i lose. The object of my desire just slips right through my grasp. or i have squeezed the life out of it. A few recent incidents revealed to me the power of resting and giving God space to work things out for my good. these situations called for quietness...

versus jealousy, competition, control, being right, being the center of attention, revenge, anger, retaliation, even hatefulness.

In quietness, i found grace, mercy, kindness, patience, joy, contentment, and more than anything, peace. In focusing on Jesus (his words to me) and the quietness He brings, i have been empowered to face the moments that in the past would make me shaking with anger...or green with jealousy...or revengeful. I am amazed! and i find myself craving quietness in more and more situations...because when i am quiet, i am glad. i'm glad to be at peace with myself and the world despite the circumstances whirling about me far beyond my control.

i cannot change the path i have been led to follow. i cannot make myself behave as i wish to. i am a weak failure in so many ways...and face formidable giants in so many others. yet, in the things that break my heart, the realities that i wish to deny, i can draw on a strength that comes from haboring quietness and confidence through reliance on One who considers even the sparrows in His will.

amazing days

2008-03-14T22:32:00.003-04:00

i talked to my sister this afternoon and told her about my amazing day yesterday. it is rare that so many good and positive things happen in a day, but yesterday was magical. I used to live for amazing days...where everything wonderful happened...then, i grew up a little. I now consider good days to be days that are...quiet, nothing bad happens, i get to enjoy time with friends, a phone call from family, and lots of work gets done. A little like today!

But, no, as I was telling Karen, that in light of my amazing day yesterday, i could hardly enjoy today! So, what happened? okay, here goes...

i woke up at 8 am with anticipation of a potentially bad day - i realized that i misplaced a hearing aid the night before...at about 1 am. It must have rolled off somewhere with my head in all the craziness. but, i decided to just go out to my car and give it a good inspection before doing anything else. So...i creep out in my pjs...look all around and beneath the car. I look under the passenger's seat - there's my mascera I've been missing! And next to it, under this little box, was the hearing aid. Unbelieveable! So, i'm back in the house in less than a minute!

I get back in bed and am just so thankful. I had this funny feeling that I was going to lose a hearing aid a few days ago, and i prayed when i got that feeling. And, it was just a very humbling moment to realize that God did answer that prayer and He watched out for me so lovingly.

I read and journaled for a while in bed. Got up and went to a meeting about my dissertation. In less than 30 minutes, I had all the sample size info I needed, and then some, for my dissertation. The professor was so encouraging and supportive of my ideas and plans. I left the school armed with information to begin putting the little details of my project together.

At Oasis, I took my computer, Americano, and muffin outside on the secluded side porch...the weather was so pleasant and the sound of traffic was soothing. the Americano tasted so fantastic in the cool morning weather. Lots of work got done in those moments before I got too chilled to stay out any longer.

Back inside, I noticed a girl sitting in front of me. I noticed her up and down, and suddenly, i looked up as her shadow had fallen across my computer screen. I didn't have a chance to pull my new ear buds out and she pressed a card into my hand. I had never met her, nor seen her to my memory, and she was handing me a card. She walked out the door.

It said: "If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you."

The girl had written inside:
"When you walked in
"I felt Jesus say, "She is beautiful."
"I agree.
"I hope you have a phenomenal day & that all things work out beautifully.
"enjoy life, jessie"

i read, smiled, and waved through the tears in my eyes at Jessie who was sitting in her car. i had suddenly been transported into another world...one where Jesus was paying me full attention. and He knows i've wrestled with a thought lately...that questioned whether He could/would really be focusing on me. It wasn't even a real thought, just a feeling inside. I know how busy i am...and I know how often i forget names and faces now. it's a protective mechanism... Yet, the Creator of the world stopped me in my tracks with His attention.

Maybe two minutes after I received the card, i got an unexpected email from a friend as well. With my mind still whirling from the card, this email appears and he was encouraging me in this work i'm involved with in helping families of prisoners. I was so overwhelmed...I didn't anything productive for probably the next hour.

mom called me back, i shared with her the events, she was amazed, i went home, ate lunch, and entered a battle. What did i do to deserve this? what bad thing was about to happen? how can i just stop everything that is happening and stay in this moment? the battle for my peace and joy was fierce. and...i stumbled on Allison Krausse's Living Prayer on my little Blackberry.

"He comforts me and bids me live
Inside the love the Father gives"

just live in My love, i felt He was saying. just live in My love - don't try to understand it, or explain it, or doubt it. just accept it and go on with the work I've prepared for your hands.
And, the battle was over.

The end of my amazing day included picking up fabulous new name tags for Families Free events, dinner at Sahib - the Indian restaurant that i love so much, the staff has given me a nickname! Then, of course, i got to watch LOST with some friends - new and old. (I was only so very saddened that i forgot to call Kyoo about it all!)

so, i have the little card here on my desk now. and, in all the questions and wonderings of my heart and mind, i just take moments to pause and to remember the moment when Jesus thought, and made it very clear, that I was beautiful. I always want to be beautiful in His eyes.

what was Thursday

2008-03-14T00:39:00.001-04:00

In this world I walk alone
With no place to call my home
But theres one who holds my hand
The rugged road through barren lands

The way is dark the road is steep
But He's become my eyes to see
The strength to climb my griefs to bear
The Savior lives inside me there

In Your love I find release
A haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
A living prayer my God to Thee

In these trials of life I find
Another voice inside my mind
He comforts me and bids me live
Inside the love the Father gives

In Your love I find release
A haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
A living prayer my God to Thee

- Allison Krausse (Lonely Runs Both Ways)

favorites so far

2008-03-04T21:33:00.003-04:00

The Confessions of St. Augustine...it took a while for me to get into this book. But the right time came, and now i love it so much i carry it around in my little purse! A season for all things... Here are two favorite excepts thus far...
...

"What is, in truth?" who can teach me, save He that enlighteneth my heart, and discovereth its dark corners? What is it which hath come into my mind to enquire, and discuss, and consider?"

...

"For so doth pride imitate exaltedness; whereas Thou Alone art God exalted over all.

Ambition, what seeks it, but honours and glory? whereas Thou Alone art to be honoured above all, and glorious for evermore.

The cruelty of the great would fain be feared; but who is to be feared but God alone, out of whose power what can be wrested or withdrawn? when, or where, or whither, or by whom?

The tendernesses of the wanton would fain be counted love: yet is nothing more tender than Thy charity; nor is aught loved more healthfully than Thy truth, bright and beautiful above all.

Curiosity makes semblance of a desire of knowledge; whereas Thou supremely knowest all.

Yea, ignorance and foolishness itself is cloked under the name of simplicity and uninjuriousness; because nothing is found more single than Thee: and what less injurious, since they are his own works, which injure the sinner?

Yea, a sloth would fain be at rest; but what stable rest besides the Lord?

Luxury affects to be called plenty and abundance; but Thou art the fulness and never-failing plenteousness of incorruptible pleasures.

Prodigality presents a shadow of liberality: but Thou art the most overflowing Giver of all good.

Covetousness would possess many things: and Thou possessest all things.

Envy disputes for excellency: what more excellent than Thou?

Anger seeks revenge: who revenges more justly than Thou?

Fear startles at things unwonted and sudden, which endanger things beloved, and takes forethought for their safety; but to Thee what unwonted or sudden, or who separateth from Thee what Thou lovest? Or where but with Thee is unshaken safety?

Grief pines away for things lost, the delight of its desires; because it would have nothing taken from it, as nothing can from Thee."

More Cuteness!

2008-02-26T17:44:00.007-04:00

mum and aunties!

i do love my patellas

2008-02-25T00:18:00.000-04:00

In honor of my sister Karen…who mocks me and I am not hesitant to retaliate.

This isn't retaliation though. It is concurrance. I do love my patellas. I discovered this today after absolutely knocking the living daylights out of my left knee this morning. I was rushing around Amanda the Great's bed after our slumber party and just wasn't used to there being a bed post. (As I have no bed posts…just a frame and mattresses.)

The pain was so excruciating that I was about to be sick. I was quite sure that I had shattered my patella…which made me all the more nauseated. Considering the fact that I was already running late for a church meeting, I convinced myself to sit up and try to move it. The resiliency of our bodies is amazing. No swelling…no bruise yet. But, it is so sore and I have felt every bump on it today. I never realized…well, maybe I have but am in denial…about how much of a klutz I really am.

So, my poor knee. It needs an ode. Karen, I will leave that to you.

Part One - Band of Horses (thanks Karen!)

2008-02-23T18:38:00.002-04:00

Psalm 34

2008-02-18T16:59:00.003-04:00

Favorite Psalm? I cannot begin to pick one. But, today...i keep coming back to this one. i want to believe it...with all my heart. But, the reality of my unbelief manifests itself in my unrest, anxiety, and unkindness toward others. So, i return to these words...hoping that in reading them one more time, i might stumble into...onto the grace to imagine them to be true in my life.

I will bless the Lord at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul shall make tis boast in the Lord;
The humble shall hear of it and be glad.
Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
And let us exalt His name together.

I sought the Lord, and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces were not ashamed.
This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him,
And saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him,
And delivers them.

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him.
The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.

Come, you children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
Who is the man who desires life,
And loves many days, that he may see good?
Keep your tongue from evil,
And your lips from speaking deceit.
Depart from evil and do good;
Seek peace and pursue it.

The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
And His ears are open to their cry.
The face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
To cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the Lord delivers him out of them all.
He guards all his bones;
Not one of them is broken.
Evil shall slay the wicked,
And those who hate the righteous shall be condemned.
The Lord redeems the soul of His servants,
And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned.

Psalm 34

happy day of generic love

2008-02-15T19:58:00.003-04:00

or...others call it Singles Awareness Day (SAD). One of mom's collegues calls it Day of Forced Affection. hehe. I find it fun to poke fun at this holiday that I have taken quite seriously until...this year and last! I have always had a strong romantic bent (consider my Jane Austen fetish before she was so vogue). And in college, my absolute favorite color was fuschia. I owned a piece of clothing of every type in that color - pants, shorts, skirts, silk dress, hats, bathing suit, a button-up shirt, a sweater turtle neck, a few t-shirts, jacket, socks, sandals, absolutely adorable peephole highheels with bows...fortunately for you, i have greatly outgrown that phase although I still have those highheels (it's the bows). After a grey winter, I always loved Valentine's Day as the day to break out the pink again and i would be doused in the color from head to toe.

But, yesterday came so unexpectedly and I had done little to prepare for recognizing the holiday. I did buy strawberry muffin mix with the plan to make muffins in the heart-shaped tin Mama bought for me a couple years ago. Last year, I made heart-shaped muffins and pink hot chocolate for my roommates. Yesterday, there was just a different feeling. But, I still whipped up the muffin mix...set the pan in our thermometer-retarded oven.

Several minutes later, in a cloud on our couch, I suddenly realized the muffins were in the oven...with the manic thermometer! As I jumped up to check on them, the smoke detector went off. Smoke was starting to sneak out through the cracks of the oven door. I knew the muffins were doomed. The next few minutes were a crazed episode of taking the muffin tin outside...swatting the smoke alarm to not awaken Amanda...fanning out the kitchen. When the air cleared, I pulled the pan of very brown heart-shaped strawberry muffins back into the kitchen. A sign of the times. My romantic ideas of Valentine's Day were finally laid to rest.

Picking at the muffins revealed that the centers were still moist and fluffy. So, i ate the center out of one...and the next. And, in a very no-nonsense, Elinor Dashwood fashion, i proceeded to eat the yummy centers out of each of the six muffins...and discarded the charcoal hulls in the trashcan. I would not be celebrating Valentine's Day this year...and that was just the way it was going to be. There was no fighting it...no tears, no anger, just surrender.

I wonder if sometimes...in attempt to make life more meaningful...we just run ourselves weary attempting to contrive a meaningful or special moment. I should just relax, rest...and let it come to me. So many of the most beautiful and amazing moments of my life were not planned. So...i should just...let them come....whatever the day be.

I heart Sawyer (and Sayid)!

2008-02-12T19:37:00.000-04:00

Consider this...

2008-02-08T10:01:00.000-04:00

The Lord opens doors, not simply for mission organizations and churches, but also for individual believers. A chance to do His will in any area of life must be taken seriously, as His opportunities always lead to the path He has designed for us. Some seem too good to be true, others are cloaked in hardship, and still others defy human reasoning. We need to know how to listen for and discern God's voice so that we can be certain when it is His hand opening a door.
- Dr. Charles Stanley

Isaiah 58:6-14

i digress

2008-02-07T11:12:00.000-04:00

The Lenten season began yesterday. Observations have been made lately on the "trend" of young Protestant Christians participating in the Lenten season. Since moving away from home, I have been introduced to the "traditions" of different branches of the Church, particularly surrounding the Lenten season. I was influenced during my youth to believe "traditions" were bad...life-stifling, meaningless actions by confused or misled Christians. And...in the struggle to live life fully, I find myself desiring to be meaningful in all my actions, not just in the traditional ones. As I began living with roommates that gave something up for Lent, I joked that I was already abstaining from enough! That was my observation. Yet, as I have the opportunity to engage in traditional activities with fellow believers, I find that these centuries-old services, confessions, songs, and actions speak to something deep within myself.

I think we long for something deeply meaningful as we are only soujourners on this earth. We long to participate, in deep sincerity, to the fullest of all our senses, in a profound moment where we confess our limits, and our fleeting sense that God is awesome and holy and, He has satisfied our souls.

Herein lies my appreciation for the traditions that have been established in past ages in the Church for worship and for the Lenten season. I entered a church this morning barely awake for the 7:15 am Eucharist service. Yet, the lighting of candles and the dim morning light shining through the stained glass window portraying Christ awoke my body and my soul. The portrayal of Christ looked different in the morning light than it does at night during Adoration service. I sensed that I would be learning something more about Jesus...yet another facet of God's character. The touch of hugs from fellow believers, some I did not know, as we pronounced peace reminded me of the body of Christ, here today. "By this all will know that you are my disciples". And, finally, the taste of wine during communion brought me back to reality of my humanity, my "but dust and ashes" state of which God is ever mindful.

I was reminded of the scents of incense at St. Michael's in Ukraine where believers lit prayer candles and left them before the altar...smell. And...the sound of bells and singers sounding chants at the appointed hour...hearing. To the fullest of our senses, we long to be imbued in worship.

Once, again

2008-02-04T10:53:00.001-04:00

clips from a new favorite movie and clear evidence of procrastination...

insanity...you get it from your profs.

2008-01-28T20:41:00.000-04:00

since i lost my mind.

I lost it at 9:20 am when i was about to head out of Oasis to Frederick Beuchner's talk at King College. Needless to say, i never made it! I spend the rest of the day in a daze making phone calls and working on school work. There's no way to have data for my dissertation collected in two weeks. IRB won't approve my project that quickly. But it is very possible i will have my data before the end of the semester...which is a lot sooner than I anticipated. Which only means...

i would graduate sooner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is amazing.

yet, finishing something is the hardest thing for me...which is one reason i love to actually finish things. But, this time feels like what i imagine would be a birthing process. The pain of finally producing the product i have worked toward already more than a year toward. Can I ask you a question? would you please pray? i've gotten in over my head on this one.

to live and to love is better

2008-01-27T23:34:00.000-04:00

and so it's true. life is full of mystery...we meet people that touch our souls and transform us through knowing them. Then, our paths diverge and they are gone. They go away and marry other girls with the same name as us. well, if you are guy reading this, then perhaps this has not happened to you.

so, i will say that playing the piano while looking out a window over a street or even over a little town is incredibly inspiring. i play much easier...i have experienced this playing from the room upstairs at Trinity Arts. And so, that is one of my favoriate scenes from the movie Once.

and it just makes me agree that, yes, we will love others...we will like them immensely and care for them deeply...yet, when the time comes, they or we will leave. They are not to be who we spend the rest of our lives with, but we will probably never forget them. Knowing this makes tonight okay. Because i am torn and in denial about how I really feel. Also comforting is what my dear friend Rosie said - i will not always be stuck with the feelings of liking him. If he's not the one God has appointed for me, then i will move forward. I will not always feel this dull ache inside.

Tonight, i should be happy. and i am. I am very happy. I would be happier to be able to express my feelings more clearly. but, i have loved being who i am and i have loved the company i was with all day long. and i have gotten to speak to, laugh with, hear from, and/or be with most of the people I care most about today...with exceptions for sure - Heather, Leah, Karen, and Zander being a few! ;)

And, now I think i will go and get on my knees and pray. because i don't think my heart can take much more of this. and i'm not sure why God allowed what has happened today...it's like a gate was opened and relationships i desired suddenly began to form. One relationship being the one I have with my dad. I know he loves and he cares, but lately it has grown distant. Mom must have said something because today...he was asking all kinds of questions, offered the concern and advice i so appreciate getting from him, he lingered in conversation. it settled something deep in my soul. and tears rise to my eyes just thinking about it.

so, that is just one example of how this day has been - after a confusing, fretful, and lonely week. i prayed as i walked into my house tonight that i know i don't deserve these relationships, but i am so thankful for them.

Dissertation Proposal Break

2008-01-23T15:59:00.000-04:00

This versus...

Can you tell

where my mind is?

the life of love, as it seems

2008-01-22T01:40:00.000-04:00

sunny blue skies and the world is sparkling
my heart is glad and my soul is soaring
here with you, and togetherness is sweet

days pass and ordinary comes
facades fall and walls replace them
built from hurts unspoken, one by one

years pass, the struggles are many
promises break and disappointment cloaks you
weary, commitment demands its dues

do i know you and why are you here?
you love me, but why do those words sting?
anger devours reason and will not relent

days pass, our hearts are soft
we have love and we embrace forgiveness
another lesson learned; trust is renewed

years pass, we learn to listen
no longer threatened, my love can receive
you and your questions, your dreams

6 out of 486

2008-01-19T18:32:00.000-04:00

Bible lesson...with my group (of fun 13 year old boys!)

Some of the kids and the Ukrainian leaders of my group...

We did this puzzle globe together!

Me, Sveta (my Spanish-speaking friend), and some of the boys!

Two of the many absolutely precious children

Fun new friends!

Me and the statue of Bohdan Khmelnytsky

January 10, 2008

Kiev, Ukraine

Sweet lil' baby

2008-01-17T00:32:00.000-04:00

Little Zander...
He's my new little nephew. Not too new anymore, he's about 18 days old. I was surprised how intensely i loved him the moment I met him. He was perfect. His personality was so laid back...only complaining about the scrub-down the nurse gave him a few hours after his entrance into the world. He was just a little man of muscle...so healthy! And he is such a good lil' eater...gaining weight so well!
On my drive home after meeting him the day he was born, i reflected on how amazing it was that i loved so intensely this little person who had done nothing to merit my love. Simply on account of being who he is, i loved him so much. I had encountered a new type of love...a perfectly unrequited love.

This is so.

2008-01-14T00:45:00.000-04:00

I've had the "Hello Young Lovers" lyrics stuck in my head the past hour. I just love the lyrics...to be brave...to follow your star...to fly down the street in a trance... It's not that I am in love with a person, but I know what it is to give my heart away...even if only to a place or a moment to which I am called.

My travels to Ukraine have been tremendously enriching. I love the more laid-back culture which values spending time with friends and family. I love the history. I enjoy the amazing moments - Christmas caroling in the snowy Ukrainian countryside on the Orthodox Christmas Eve, Christmas communion with my fellow Ukrainian believers, loving young orphans in my arms and praying silently over them... It is amazing to me what an adventure life becomes when you entrust it to God's sovereignty and will. Hardly understanding this path, I venture each step, day by day, and am overwhelmed by its richness and fullness. I only find myself backing away from its intensity - to live fully is risky and loving often means your heart will break. Yet, I continue and continually find peace and fulfillment in being in the center of God's will. I am so excited to be a part of the work God is doing.

Yet, as intensely as I enjoy such beautiful moments, deep calls unto deep and i find other areas of my heart crying. I long to see beauty in every area of my life...not just areas of work and ministry. This is honesty, and hopefully this revelation of weakness will not offend you.

Hello Young Lovers...A Few Lyrics

2008-01-14T00:42:00.000-04:00

Be brave, young lovers, and follow your star,
Be brave and faithful and true,
Cling very close to each other tonight-
I've been in love like you.

I know how it feels to have wings on your heels,
And to fly down the street in a trance.
You fly down a street on the chance that you meet,
And you meet-not really by chance.

Don't cry young lovers, whatever you do,
Don't cry because I'm alone;
All of my memories are happy tonight,
I've had a love of my own...

Sunday and full of thoughts

2007-12-30T14:33:00.000-04:00

I read a bulletin from Ukraine last night. i read of a recent report of a protest in Ukraine which prevented some of the folks I have worked with from getting to church one Sunday. I read that there were communists out with their red flags waving. chilling. I felt, this summer, when on the train to Kharkiv, the most Soviet-influenced city in Ukraine, that it was a real miracle that a group of us girls were able to read our Bibles...even as a police officer walked through the car. The reality that communism still simmers in Ukraine...waiting for a moment of weakness in which to resume control...is concerning. My aunt alerted me to the need for Christians to take advantage of the freedom to share the gospel in order to prevent a relapse into Communism. After a childhood hearing about cold war and reading about Brother Andrew, this is almost frightening! It seems that I will be entering a very different Ukraine than the one I entered this summer. The summer was warm and full of light. The most memorable moment was simply floating on the lake on a lazy Sunday afternoon...watching the clouds drift by. It seems that in coming in on a cold, dark day, the reality of the troubles in this country is more apparent.

But, I know that I am called. The fact that Jesus has provided a way and is going with me allows me to rest assured. I know so many will be praying as my team goes. It won't be easy...the orphanage, as of this month, does not have indoor bathrooms or showers. We will be staying in the orphanage among the children. It will be intense. Apparently, the children at this orphanage are more poor than the kids I worked with this summer. As, perhaps as a result, they have responded well to camps in the past. This is what excites me - to be working with children open and ready to accept the love Jesus has for them. I look forward to meeting the orphans that have recently become Christians and sharing Christmas with them (January 7th).

And, as I think of the children there...my thoughts are brought back to the families I am attempting to work with here in Johnson City. My concern is that these families, compared to so many in Ukraine and other areas of the world, are actually rich. They have not the need for more things or money, I am learning, but relational investment is what they really need. Is this not what Jesus's ministry was - taking the time to build relationships, to recognize people, to convey value and worth to others, and to affirm them amidst their broken hearts and lives? So, I think that this is a role that the church should be filling...yet, the job is not being done. Families Free is not a church, but it is an organization being built by the church - am not I, and many fellow believers journeying with me in this endeavor, the church? Yet, it is not something that simply I and Lisa can do. We want to raise awareness and facilitate relationships, but in order to make lasting change, the body will have to come around and support these families. Support does not mean material things. Although these are easy to track and easier to provide...the common bandaid applied to many an ailment even within our own churches...material things will not change the inherent issues from which the problems are stemming. To change lives, we will have to invest life.

100 Things That Make Me Happy

2007-12-27T22:51:00.001-04:00

I debated doing this list. It feels so superficial and self-centered. There are so many out there that have nothing...their lives are filled with suffering. Often the same ones find joy in so little. The things that make me happy may seem so superfluous to them. So, with this disclaimer, I venture into this little exercise because it is mindless and fun to think of the things that make you happy. I am also reminded of the many things for which I am thankful.

1. pleasing my mother
2. remembering that word evading my memory
3. coffee and conversation with a good friend
4. coffee...'nuff said!
5. pleasing hard-to-please people
6. watching Lost with Shauna
7. talking about life with Amanda "Whiddog"
8. hugs from my younger brothers and sisters
9. laughing loudly with Heather with the Weather
10. reading a beautiful magazine
11. watching movies
12. watching the stars
13. reading a good book
14. finishing things - projects, assignments, artwork
15. looking at Karen's photography (it's very inspirational)
16. throwing away/getting rid of junk
17. any kind of contact with Katrina and the Johnson family!
18. conversations with Leah - the one who understands!
19. teaching piano to an enthusiastic student
20. seeing an "aha" moment on a student's face
21. burning candles
22. seeing buds grow and bloom on my flowers
23. singing
24. playing the piano
25. dancing to a good beat
26. dancing with someone to a good beat
27. talking about deep, meaningful things with thoughtful people
28. confession
29. organization
30. sitting and watching the fire in my firepot
31. watching sunrises on the beach
32. hearing stories of overcoming
33. having a clear complexion
34. having my clothes fit well
35. pedicures
36. early morning haircuts to start the day off right
37. calligraphy
38. massages
39. a good mattress
40. down comforters
41. very high thread count sheets
42. groves of trees - driving by them...walking amidst them
43. having tea with Amanda H.
44. having the heater on my feet in the car
45. seat warmers in cars
46. impromptu meetings with dear friends
47. Dennis' shrimp n' grits
48. connecting with younger girls - making them feel special
49. fishing
50. inspiring someone to action
51. having Patty back in town
52. taking off in airplanes
53. being somewhere i've never been before
54. learning about new cultures first hand
55. getting help when i most need it
56. discovering a coffee shop
57. candy cane kisses
58. Old Europe Cafe in Asheville
59. hanging out in Asheville
60. quiet times with my Bible
61. prayer with friends and family
62. watching another person experience joy
63. being honest
64. studying light shining through glass
65. martinis in a jazz club
66. Washington, DC
67. small parties
68. Christmas parties
69. the sunroof in my car
79. good tunes while driving
80. sleeping during a hard rain
81. hugs
82. imogen heap
83. coffee meets with Craig and Melissa
84. simplicity
85. looks of fondness
86. baking something tasty
87. lyrical piano music
88. symphony, orchestra, or ballet performances
89. dressing up
90. feeling desired
91. feeling accepted
92. creating
93. waking up rested
94. listening to the hum of family life
95. lightening bugs lighting up the summer evenings
96. real Christmas trees - especially the lowly Cedar
97. make-overs
98. adventures
99. listening to water flowing in a brook or creek
100. the quietness of a heavy snow

scenes from home

2007-12-27T02:30:00.000-04:00

sitting in the "family room"...1:30 am...
the occasional rustle of paper and magazine pages break the silence. then, there is my typing softly clattering...an occasional comment by my sister Karen or mom...a laugh. Mom's on her way to sleep on the couch...in her usual place where she dozes off every night before "going to bed".

"Family night" with mom sitting down between Andrew and Patty with a bowl of pop-corn...
Andrew's saying something sarcastic. It wasn't really family night, but we did watch the rest of "Christmas with the Cranks". Mom was sure to ask everyone walking into the room if they wanted to watch Christmas with the CRANKS? No, Karen isn't interested...commercials are annoying. Patty's just waiting for Zander to come in absent-minded silence. I high-five her remark to Andrew though...he's more moody than she is right now.

Emily is texting...now that she has her own cell phone with UNLIMITED text messaging. she texted me on the way back from the store: where are you and who are you with? okay...she is watching Elf...again. I will be home soon.

Paul's ready to put Oceans 13 on...in the middle of the Vienna Boys Choir. I would love to see the boys' choir in a live performance. But, it's 11 pm...show's over...he puts the DVD in...and disappears. Instead of doing anything productive, I sit...and watch.

Daddy is in bed...he's the only one in reality this week.

And...it's time for bed.

2007-12-21T01:44:00.001-04:00

i forgot...

2007-12-18T14:27:00.000-04:00

i knew it would happen. i would get back from Ukraine...forget some of the lessons learned...pray for my girls less...and morph back into that awful American i am! ;) No, I kid...seriously, I understand the world's complaints against the US. But, while traipsing about the countryside of Ukraine...listening to the complaints of one girl who had only visited bordering countries...who had never been to the U.S., nor had she studied the world's politics and histories extensively. Yet, she was so forward to complain against the U.S., my homeland, to my face. I felt it was quite hypocritical, considering I had crossed the Atlantic, given up 2 weeks of my summer to help orphans in her country. This was a privilege made possible by the American way - my Christian heritage and a capitalist market allowing people to make lots of money and, in turn, fund my trip.

But, i didn't start this...to write that. I write because I had forgotten how much I realized i am blessed! My life is full of privilege and comforts that most of the world will never experience. I have my own room...in a comfy little house. I have my own bed...covered in feather-filled blankets. A warm, red, shag rug covers the hardwood floor next to my bed. Pictures and cards from loved ones hang about. Newly framed art from Ukraine and Spain are waiting to be hung. I have Christmas decorations covering my desk...along with my art materials - paint, brushes, ink, and calligraphy pens. Books galore. Clothes...warm, new, and soft. Food in the kitchen. The heat kicks on every so often. At this time, I also have a collection of festive, glittering, shiny wrapped gifts stacked on my floor...awaiting delivery. And...yet, this morning, as I sat down to read and pray, I was so ungrateful. I was caught up in the drama of the things i do not have...and what people would do to keep me from them...and how i was quite inclined to respond. yet...the emptiness of it all was driving me crazy.

So, after an honest dialogue with God, an amazing sense of peace has settled. The drama...distant. Gratefulness holds me.

learning latelies

2007-12-16T20:14:00.000-04:00

I'm amazed...at two things tonight. First, how oblivious we can be to our shortcomings and flaws. Second, how amazingly God reveals those flaws to us at the perfect time when we are in the perfect position to hear from Him about those things...and to, hopefully, be transformed.

Things have been a little crazy lately. The semester ended officially for me this past Monday...but 50 tests and papers remained to be graded. That was completed last night. Patty is due anytime...I'm just waiting to get that phone call to head over to Hickory. And...I've battled some very serious discontent and dis-satifaction with my life.

If you had told me when I was 16 that my life was going to be the way it is tonight, I would have been thrilled. I have found that walking with God has allowed me to do the things I always wanted to do...to be more like the person I so much wanted to be. Yet, this week was such a struggle...I fought discontentment. I fought so many lies coming my way...and yet, felt that i was floundering in lies I'd yet to realize i was believing. I felt...and still feel...that some of my Christianese answers do not sufficiently reply to my heart's cry. I need the Christ, not the Christianese. And, I was so very thankful for one friend that pointed me to my Source, continually encouraging me with His word.

Do I dare type "yet"? Yet...it is typed, and I feel ashamed for saying...I'm still not there. I still focus on the things lacking...and have dissatisfaction. Between the moments of peace and praise, I lapse back into the questions of why and whynots. I growl at people asking the nosey questions. I drive away positivity and compliments with the "buzz off" on my forehead. I hate it...but it's real. I hate feeling miserable...but i'd rather feel this way than pretend everything is okay.

One thing Karen T. directed me to this week was the verse in 2nd Corinthians - "casting down every argument and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ". So, this has been my aim...

I recognize the arguments coming against my belief in God and His provision. I bring those before Him...I ask Him to help my unbelief!! And, I ask Him for direction...that I might not handle these things as I always have before...and hence...always end up back here! But...that I may be shown the way everlasting...and walk in life!

2007-12-12T23:39:00.001-04:00

whoa.

2007-12-06T00:57:00.000-04:00

and no time flies like the time before major projects are due...

i hit a wall after the presentation tonight...realizing I still had more do to on that paper...
i had forgotten to follow the Form 398 format - WHAT IS THAT??!! The prof already gave us 7 pages of instructions...and then refers us to some form and says to follow that format. Take a look at it for yourself: http://grants.nih.gov/grants/funding/phs398/PolAssurDef.pdf. I've about had it after writing 20 pages...and now this!?!!

so, i'm thinking...all this work means i have to have a career. I can't just do all this and then be a mom! But, on nights like these, all i want is to be at home with a little family...not lugging a laptop around town...driving in the cold drizzle...arranging this...scheduling that...writing, writing, writing. Family is what makes the world turn 'round...

but, you know, in all my busyness, i let my Bible just sit there for the past two days. I know God has wanted to spend time with me...I've certainly felt it. But, i fool myself into thinking i can make it without Him a couple days. And, here I am tonight...so empty and worn-out.

So, off to bed i go now...leaving Form 398 to the morning. Tomorrow should be good - a haircut, last teaching class ever for now, time to work on the paper, and the PHSA/Families Free Christmas party!

2007-12-03T16:44:00.000-04:00

the revolution of a day

2007-11-28T01:20:00.001-04:00

this morning, i felt the shroud of stress wrapping around me...separating me from the God I love and His peace. The frenzy of stress is like a barrier that I can see through, but it's impenetrable and hard and cold.

Now, i'm happy and peaceful...excited. I only understand it by believing that people have been praying...for me...or for the things I'm involved in. I've already seen results - changes in attitudes, changes in situations, encouragement. That makes me so happy. The peace of God surpasses all understanding...I go forth in His strength and...at the end of the night, I find all is well. God is good. And He is near.

what i'm really thinking...

2007-11-18T00:14:00.000-04:00

I feel that in my recent tirade against all my situations and circumstances, I needed to clarify how amazingly gracious God was to me and how He did provide support in ways unexpected.

The day after my tirade, I heard a timely message from my pastor on suffering. He reminded me that sometimes, most times, our sufferings are the "fiery trials" that God allows as part of our sanctification...our becoming more like Him. I sat listening...my soul growing lighter and lighter as I began to understand my situation more clearly. I had been so mad. so resentful. so selfish. So much dross had risen to the surface of my soul as a result of this my situations. I was ashamed and so amazed that in everything, Jesus still wanted to be with me...to speak to me and show me mighty things I did not know. I had sat down before the message fully aware that I had just sung a bunch of praise songs half-heartedly; but, i stood with a changed attitude and a renewed spirit. And, amazingly, amazingly, but perhaps not so hard to believe, someone then approached me about helping me in my difficulties.

So, this past Friday was hilariously a complete antonym to the Friday before. I got up at 7:30 am...as I did before...and I proceeded to work on car issues...as I did before. I drove 'ole Betsy to Grant's Auto Repairs in Kingsport where I planned to stay until the repairs were completed. I was consternated that there were no seats available in the lobby - this wait could be really long, i may really regret my decision to not bring any hot tea, and how in the world would i get any work done? So, I asked the receptionist if any coffee shops existed nearby; she referred me to some local breakfast diner. I took off...computer and school work in hand. I reached the diner and knew it was not the place for me. All those old men looking out the window would think i was crazy. I walked on...toward another promising conglomeration of parked cars. I hoped it would be another place with food...coffee. I happened upon the coffee shop of my dreams. Free wifi... good coffee... nice folks... muffins... a flat-screen with the morning news showing... and a little nook to spread out my stuff and be productive to my heart's content. I worked until Betsy was ready - a cool 11 am. I walked back to the shop where the owner handed me my keys and waved me on.
Someone had paid the bill for me.

I was a grinning fool the whole drive home.

hummmmmmmm

2007-11-16T00:41:00.000-04:00

just got back from a Chris Tomlin concert

it was fun working at the merch table at the concert...particularly because Laura Boho. was there to be crazy with me (such an amazing, great girl!). The guy ruling the operations was a bit hard to read...or, i may have just been intimidated by his lion mane. But, i'm pretty sure i saw him at Passion too...it looked that way then too. Finally, at the end of the night, after he bit my head off with one comment (i was humbled into the memory of how dumb i am sometimes!), he seemed to be a little nicer. I dunno...i feel he made some assumptions about me before giving me a chance. i just got a vibe that he didn't think i was going to be too helpful. but, i'm a girl...and the credit card machines were messing up...and it was pretty busy crazy.

so, not bitter!! i'm not bitter!

(and that reminds me of my friend Amanda Kay...whom i miss.)

that's rediculous!

2007-11-13T00:46:00.001-04:00

i finally went to get some candy corn for our forlorn little glass pumpkin, but i couldn't find any among all the Christmas candy!

the life...at 2 a.m.

2007-11-11T03:16:00.000-04:00

it is going to be a rough morning...but i am absolutely awake right now.

this week was a tough one. i always have a very hard time getting back to reality after wonderful trips away from "the grind". this happened after returning from Ukraine this summer...and it's happened again after my week in DC. It's like I allow my work here to become so much that it's competely unmanageable. I don't realize it until I leave...and come back...and I am so overwhelmed! My poor mother has to hear me through every time. once again, this week, she was ready to get in her car and drive up to Johnson City. I'm so blessed.

So, this morning, before Lisa and I headed up to the state prison in Mountain City, I sat on the edge of my bed and just watched the sun rising, casting its rays through the tree in front of my window. Its yellow leaves are slowly finding their way to the ground and I see Seegers Chapel more clearly each day. I just felt that perhaps God's nudging me to cut back...once again. I get so ambitious and take on so much work...when, in reality, He's already laid my path before me. I need to trust Him to accomplish His work in me and through me. Yes, I want my efforts to be fruitful - and there is a lot that I "want". I want a grant-funded dissertation. I want a well-run, well-established non-profit. I want families affected by incarceration in this area, in this state to be brought the love and message of Christ's salvation. I want this community to be united in supporting these families. yes, i even want to be married. Okay, that's all for now...I have my 5 year list as well. But, these things that I so much want that I will work myself into the ground to have...I have to lay these at the feet of Jesus. I believe He knows the desires of my heart better than I do...and I also know that He can and will give me the strength to do His will, simply, each day.

Yet, a dichotomy remains in my mind...and experience tells me that this is my inability to understand God's sovereignty. But, with so many desires and hopes and dreams...wants, I feel trapped. I can't do enough to reach these things, yet God doesn't allow them to come into my life. I get upset. I get mad. I feel like a 5 year old. and then, I remember...maybe two years ago now, how well I learned that God's sovereignty is not bigger than His love for me. Like bookends on a shelf...one end of the story of my life is held up by God's sovereignty...the other by His love. They are matching...His sovereignty isn't this control-freaky, self-centered powertrip. It's matched by His love for me...which I am obviously not realizing as a constant right now.

And that brings me to the other end of my melt-down this week. Honestly, the desire to be married isn't just about love, but also support. I have such quirky hang-ups, yet...when things go wrong...there isn't anyone that I can count on to help me through. It's up to me to deal with everything. At this point, "your Maker is your husband" completely goes out the window. Especially, when you've worked an entire day to get a tire and wheel fixed...with no results...and the matter is only getting worse...you want to shove every self-righteous comment about trusting God in your singleness back into everyone's face. Yet, so what? You get mad, you cry, you go to bed, wake up, things are still the same. You have to go on...struggling. Why? Am I lacking faith? Am I too picky? Am I a complete knucklehead?

And so, back to this morning. I decided...if my life is so crazy that I can't take time to get a wheel fixed, so that my car is not a hazard to my well-being and life, then I need to cut back. All my goals can wait a few hours while I take care of my life today. Today. (Do not worry about tomorrow...today has enough troubles of its own! - Jesus, the Lover of my soul, whether I feel it or not, paraphrased)

I am finally tired. if you're still reading, you should definitely leave a word.

the big city

2007-11-09T01:13:00.000-04:00

um...did i really come back to johnson city from DC? really??

really. Back to reality...sad day.

no more jazz nights and martinis...with the next night being raeggae night (you bet we went back!) or chicken spinach rice with sponge bread (courtesy of Zed's Ethiopian)...or Chinese in China Town...or 4 a.m. chicken nuggets. No more coffee shops on every corner...and amazing places to shop (Anthropologie, Pottery Barn, Sephora, i could go on). No more exhilirating cab rides...And miles and miles of sidewalk. Less diversity of people from all corners of the world. Fewer beautiful monuments. Fewer opportunities to hear beautiful music...and see beautiful art.

But, soon...soon i will be back. and maybe one day, i'll be there to live for a bit.
we'll see.

coziness

2007-10-31T23:32:00.000-04:00

i am on one of the couches...the thus far spiderless one...with a blanket wrapped around and the warm computer on my knees. i live for the fall season. i love the sound of the heat turning on...the furnace croaking as it sputters to put out some heat. i love wrapping up tight in my bed, under the layers of billowing blankets. I love that the stars are so bright in the cold, crisp sky that i can see them twinkling down at me as I peer through the blinds after turning out my lamp. The glass pumpkin has been brought out and resumes it place of glory on the coffee table...sadly void of very much candy corn! It's time to make apple spice cake with the homemade cinnamon whipped cream...it's time for caramel apples too! And, yesterday, I finally got the whiff my soul has been longing for...the smell of crunchy maple leaves covering the walkways to my office at school. Autumn has been a long time coming this year...and I'm ready.

faint inkling of a thought

2007-10-30T18:50:00.001-04:00

I don't have a dream of an idea of how much God loves us. I know my pathetic faith and whining is evidence of that. But, I sometimes get a faint inkling of a thought of how God must feel toward us. This has been through my experience with my youngest brother and sister, and believe it or not, through my brief ownership of a bunny. I will have to elaborate on that later. But, for now, here's the email I just received from Emily. And...I'm intrigued by my reaction of endearment and joy of receiving such a brief, simple letter.

"heyyy!!!
watcha doin??? well basketball starts next week!!!!! i soooooo cant wait!!!!! so how hav u been???? well i miss u!!! u need to come back home!!!!! love ya bye"

such a dear child. tears come to my eyes when I try to think of how precious she is.

Mission: Families Free

2007-10-28T01:55:00.000-04:00

today was really busy...just like the whole week. But, Connections is off to a sweet start up at NECX. It was such a joy playing with those families outside and telling two sweet little children about Zaccheaus in the Sycamore tree!

tomorrow...telling about Families Free in church

Monday...the seminar on children of prisoners

So, time for some rest! I am excited, yet nervous, yet ready for all of this to be over! I look forward to restful moments with friends next week. Key word - restful.

Lunch with Karen...

2007-10-25T15:52:00.000-04:00

I like Karens.

The Karen of the Day, today, was the mathematical one. Karen Trigg. (Triggonometry, get it?!) hehh...sorry.

She always gives me food for thought...to chew on long after the meal is gone. I was musing after our last lunch, and I am again today. Her poignant questions, though, helped me to understand and continue growing in something God has been speaking to me about for a little while now.

One thing that many girls wonder...regarding guys they like...is just exactly where is the fine line between friends and "friendlier"? According to the world's standard, there is no line. Boundaries are blurred and our fragmented society is reflecting that. But, for me and many girls I know, those options aren't what we would choose, but we find ourselves succumbing to the prevailing line of thought.

Karen suggested that the fine line...really isn't a line at all, it's a mountain. And, it's called Mount Moriah. the perfect puzzle piece, i felt.

A favorite, it's a song

2007-10-25T00:18:00.000-04:00

The refuge for the poor, a shelter from the storm
This is our God

He will wipe away your tears and return your wasted years
This is our God

So call upon His Name, He is mighty to save
This is our God

A father to the orphan, a healer to the broken
This is our God

And he brings peace to our madness and comfort in our sadness
This is our God
This is our God

So call upon his name, He is mighty to save
This Is Our God

This is/You are the one we have waited for
This is/You are the one we have waited for
This is/You are the one we have waited for
Jesus, Lord and Savior
This is our God

A fountain for the thirsty, a lover for the lonely
This is our God

He brings glory to the humble and crowns for the faithful
This is our God

So call upon His Name, He is mighty to save
This is our God

So call upon his name, He is mighty to save
This Is Our God

This is/You are the one we have waited for
This is/You are the one we have waited for
This is/You are the one we have waited for
Jesus, Lord and Savior
This is our God

note to self

2007-10-24T00:55:00.000-04:00

don't watch msnbc feature stories on methamphetamine use in the U.S. while writing a 20 page meta-evaluation of prison-based drug treatment programs. i am starting to feel like i might be on the edge of cracking like the guys on the show. yeeps!!

2007-10-23T01:59:00.000-04:00

o happy day

2007-10-21T21:43:00.000-04:00

first, today was great. not wonderful, but really great. crossing the continental divide on peak leaf weekend always makes my day...as does Aunt Dot's home cooking!...and getting to see Mama, Emily, Paul, Mary Beach, and the Grubbs family while eating it!

There is a pretty cool group of people emerging from the remains of my childhood church. It's funny how we're tracking together even though we're miles apart.

But today, a popular topic was marriage, being a wife, and getting a man. After the sermon today on 1 Peter 3 verses addressing husbands and wives, I had someone approach me saying he was thinking about us single girls during the sermon. We were sitting in a row in front of him during the service. I appreciated his concern for our hearts. I appreciate everyone's concern and well-intentioned advice. From growing "man-catching" hair...to unbuttoning the top button...to sleeping at the foot of a guy's bed, I'm sure I've yet to hear all the advice very well-intentioned Christian women will give me!

Yet, as I'm writing this 20 page meta-evaluation, I'm thinking...a) our brains are super complex...b) remind me to tell you about chlorophyll later...and c) I have one objection to the whole "sleep at the feet of Boaz" idea.

The story is of Ruth, a woman who essentially got her husband by sleeping at the feet of this man after a feast where he had gotten drunk. [Yes, you need to read the Bible.] Consequently, many women feel this gives them permission to pursue a guy...and even approach him about a relationship. Yet, if we read the story more closely, you understand that this man was no stranger to generosity toward Ruth and her mother-in-law, Naomi. Boaz filled his obligations toward these relatives who were poverty-stricken widows by providing them with food. Then, he went above and beyond the call of duty with his provisions for the two women. His kindness toward Ruth was unescapable. Ruth's actions came after Boaz's character was tested and his goodness toward her was notable. She wasn't merely throwing herself at a man she had been stalking for a few months.

So, I'm thinking that we, single ladies, should be cognizant of allowing friendships to develop...and allowing kindness to be shown...and allowing the guy to take leadership in what relationship may form. By giving a guy space to take his rightful place in the relationship, we can practice submission not only to our future husbands but to God as well.

But, what do i know????

Back...

2007-10-19T00:21:00.000-04:00

my password to some of my Families Free stuff has to do with God being good. So, every time i enter those words, i am reminded how He is good...and I think about whether I believe that or not. If I don't believe it, I'll feel hypocritical to type it, and will need to change my password. But, so far, it has only prompted me...upon each login...to continue believing. And, He is. He really is good.

I just got back from a beautiful fall break trip to Charleston, SC and an amazingly productive trip to Nashville, TN. Can't wait to see how the things I encountered will unfold. Can't wait to see what will be going on months from now. But...today, i have to do what is required of me now.

And, that is to rest. So, good night!

another funny finding today...

2007-10-10T20:39:00.000-04:00

the play by play

2007-10-09T19:47:00.000-04:00

watching Vicente Fox on Fox news, ironically. He's being drilled on the O'Reilly Factor...interesting.

the network at ETSU is complete crap today. So, i can't get my research for Evaluations done.

listening to some amazing guitar from a commercial on TV. it reminds how i want to marry someone musical.

it's past 8...and no one is recording the Biggest Loser. ??

there's a database full of evaluations that i could use for my meta-analysis. they're not peer-reviewed...are they? i don't think so. shoot.

with the heritage of so many of the South American and Central American countries, no wonder corruption is so prevalent. I only fear the corruption will creep upward toward the U.S....to levels exceeding what currently exists.

how do you stop corruption? hide the word of God in your heart.

Shauna is home now...and...that dumb, dumb Singing Bee show is on. sorry if you love it. i won't judge you. i only cannot tolerate the show.

man, this woman is like a human juke-box. only, poor thing, she can't sing. oh, now she's missed two in a row. the magic is gone!

okay, it is over....THANK GOODNESS. it brings the same feeling that watching America's Funniest Home Videos brings...and i can't stand it.

kien't stiend it! Caaaan't. I cahn't stahnd it. I kiiieeent stiend it! Cahn't! Kien't. CAAHHN'T.

and Paul is messaging me!!! i love that kid.

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand. No promises, no demands. Love is a battlefield. We are strong, no one can tell us were wrong. Searchin our hearts for so long, both of us knowing. Love is a battlefield

13 going on 30...
skittles...
razzles...

Razzle Red

i quite enjoy that movie. that Office commercial was hilarious. it's going to be good. hope i get to go watch it this week.

Paul's such a boy. i try to ask questions that you would think would garner at least a sentence of a response...and he manages to evade even that!

oh...wrong question. get him talking about what concerns him...now he's talking. i love this kid. did i say that already? LOVE HIM.

i am trying to help him figure out his problems.

adoration's in 18 mins though...i will have to leave soon. i hate to leave him. i wish i could stay and talk to him while he's here. i'm practicing helping him...maybe i will learn something.
The pains of being a 12 year old...or soon-to-be-12-year-old.

okay, really gotta go.

lazin' and thinkin'

2007-10-07T00:35:00.000-04:00

and so, i think it is true. That although we have so much to do...there is so much need in this world...we also must rest. There are many hurting people in this world and many are not yet using their gifts and strengths fully in meeting the needs seen. How we should respond will not look the same for each of us...so i do not judge others that do things differently than me. But, I do lament that there are those living in virtual futility...wasting the potential of their lives on shallow and fruitless endeavors or pursuits. How much could these people do...if they were truly living fully?

Yet, there is no way that those who are trying to act can meet every need. And perhaps God makes it this way, so that we never dream we could ever save the world on our own. We will always have work to do. And what He calls us to do will always push us beyond our abilities. This is the life that He gives...living as more than conquerors in this pilgrim land.

So, we must rest. We must take time to enjoy relationships with our fellow brothers and sisters, friends, family, lovers, and best friends. And so, this is what I have done this week. Yes, I had a ton of work to do to prepare for the seminar. I also had to get my dissertation idea rolling. There were about 27 papers on my desk to grade. But, months from now, the dissertation will still be here. I will have completely forgotten the papers. But, I will remember the fun I had with friends...watching Amanda ditch water on Ned, twice - beautiful! ...laughing at the Office with friends. Consulting with Heather about my "3rd degree burns"...with Kristin laughing at me in the line at Barbaritos. Fun conversations, meaningful conversations, embarrassing conversations! the belly-dancer at Old Jerusalem dancing for Michele (who was completely red!).

These are the moments worth living for...

Yes, I love the work I am doing. The need presents itself to me in so many ways...and I know the burden I feel is beyond my understanding. And, I am so happy to invest my life in bettering someone else's. I am so moved to pray for the women at the prison crying as their families leave visitation. I long for my mentee and her family to join my family - the body of Christ. I love the children I have gotten to know through serving them. Yet, the work I do is not the essence of life. The way that relationships mark my soul forever is an indicator of how important those friendships are...leading me to believe that there is something incredibly significant about relationships. The knowing of each other, and loving each other as we are, is something that we should all invest time in doing...there is something to this that I can only sense is crucial to living.

Funny Findings...

2007-10-01T22:45:00.000-04:00

I am 9 feet under in a lit. review for my dissertation. As many of you know, I'm studying children affected by parental incarceration. So, these are generally my search terms. In the midst of all the searching, reading, and sorting...I sometimes come across an unexpected title or article that stops me in my tracks and makes me smile!

(9/26/07)

Title: Surgical images: soft tissue: incarcerated gallbladder in a parastomal hernia.(Continuing Medical Education/ Formation medicale continue).

it's late

2007-09-30T23:53:00.000-04:00

no time to write or paint tonight...i should be sleeping...so, this will be quickly...

today was absolutely beautiful. and after church, i couldn't bear to stay in the house, so i roadtripped over the mountains into Asheville. I stopped and did some work at the Dripolator for a couple hours. it was nice to be out of Johnson City, and in the more ecclectic, stimulating atmosphere of Asheville. i did have a woman staring at me for a while, but maybe she just loved my new shirt.

which, reminds me of, once again, the miracle of finding a lost hearing aid...once again. My friend Michele had come over for dinner, and I got to immerse her into a first-hand experience of the frustrations of having to wear hearing aids. I knew it was at the Mall (where I had bought my new shirt). I knew I had only gone into 4 stores...so, Michele rode back with me to retrace my steps. Store #1, nothing. The clerk looks concerned and suggests customer service down by the cookie store (which smelled fantastic). Store #2, nothing, the clerk looks confused. I'm not an old lady, obviously. Customer service - nothing, the two older ladies at the desk look sympathetic and give me the mall number to call the next day. Store #3...I had only walked through quickly, so i didn't bother checking it. Finally, I decided to stop in Store #4...I really didn't think it would be in there...but why not just check...just in case. There was a guy in there that I was trying to avoid. So, I quickly slip in...and there it is...lying on the floor under the counter ledge. I swoop down and scoop it up and put it right into my ear.

relief. GRATITUDE. exhiliration. relief. Michele is so graciously excited for me.

God is a good husband...He helps me find my hearing aids. I so sound like such an old lady. : p

i'm warning you we're growing up

2007-09-28T10:01:00.000-04:00

i had lunch yesterday with a new friend, an old acquaintance... after a few random meetings, and after i came out of the closet at her house (literally), we finally met for lunch at Cootie Brown's.

it was God's timing...sitting there, sharing our stories and what God's done for us, we were wiping the tears from our eyes. She is a good listener though, and i enjoyed sharing with her and not feeling that i was talking to the wall...or the porch post, for that matter.

after sharing about my anticipated nephew's birth and the story that goes along with that, she looked at me quite intently and gave me some encouragement to pass along to my sister. She said that until God changes things, He would be my sister's husband (your Maker is your husband).

I nodded in agreement...hoping my eyes wouldn't betray my unbelief.

Oh, I can believe it for my sister, but really, can God be my husband? I've had a few moments of enlightment...a few brief moments, and months, of the reality of this statement. But...has time and experience made me cynical? It is more the time that is the culprit, i believe.

And, my thoughts and memories battle. yes, a few times, God has come through for me in a moment of need and provided the peace and comfort my soul craved. yet, more often than not, i feel so alone. Who is this husband that isn't here to wrap his long arms around me? Where is this husband that is never around each evening I come home after a long, wearisome day? I have one memory of feeling God's presence so closely it was like a hug. I have one memory of God being with me as I opened the door to my little house one night. Why are these moments the exception and not the rule?

and so my rational side responds...for you who may be wondering, i know the correct answer. don't give me the "correct" answer!!! i am glad we're allowed to ask questions...I can ask him, "what does this verse mean? please make this verse a reality...it doesn't make sense to me." And...I know He will answer. I know it is true, just as i know there is dust floating before my eyes that i cannot see. Yet, it is only when i pause before the light streaming through a window pane that i can see the dust suspended in the air. and only such light will illuminate this truth, deep in my heart, from where i truly live.

And so, as I look out at the bright blue morning sky, i pause in the sunlight filtering through the blinds and across my desk. I am so blessed, and this is the conclusion I come to each time.

in the zone...

2007-09-25T22:35:00.000-04:00

ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est
(wherever love is true, God is present)

Today was brutal: fear, distraction, insecurity, loneliness, fatigue, guilt, inadequacy, clumsiness... and I know that God has placed me in challenges way beyond my own strength, not only to cause me to rely on Him and His goodness, but also to grow me and push me to be one that is fully alive. I get this idea from a friend Lindsey Fooshee, who wrote, "I realized that if we do not feel the urgency to pray, then we are probably not trying to accomplish anything beyond what we can do by ourselves."

She also gave this quote...“The establishment of the kingdom of God is an elusive task; we cannot even see what it involves in our vicinity without specific prayer, and we certainly will have little urgency to carry it out unless we are praying” (Richard Lovelace, Dynamics of Spiritual Life, 157).

And...then I go to the Adoration service on Tuesday nights at Hopwood Christian Church. I am reminded...having it together is not required. Being a sinner is no surprise. Falling short, feeling inadequate, feeling ashamed are allowed, as long as they are then placed at the feet of someone so immensely full of love, i wonder if we would forget our sins if we truly knew this love.

So, I sing...

"The love of Christ joins us together, let us rejoice in him,
And in our love and care for all, now love God in return.

In true communion let us gather, let all divisions cease,
And in their place be Christ the Lord, our risen Prince of Peace.

May we who gather at this table to share the bread of life
Become a sacrament of love, your healing touch, O Christ.

To those in need make us your mercy, to those oppressed your might;
Make us, your Church, a holy sign of justice and new life.

May we, one day, behold your glory, and see you face to face,
Rejoicing with the saints of God to sing eternal praise.

Ubi caritas est vera, est vera,
Deus ibi est, Deus ibi est."